


I keep my visions to myself

by Ros_ora_sal



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angels, Angst, Demons, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Haunted Houses, M/M, Pining, REALLY happy I swear, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:08:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ros_ora_sal/pseuds/Ros_ora_sal
Summary: Shane just looks at him. He’s afraid to talk to him. He feels like if he does the dream is going to abruptly come to an end, or Ryan is going to drop dead on the pavement. Maybe he’s just supposed to watch, and if he stays quiet, keeps his distance and doesn’t disturb the scene, he’ll get to watch Ryan be alive and breathing and happy forever. But the younger man puts an end to his musing, because once he’s done putting the bags in the car trunk, he closes it, turns back to Shane and looks at him. Shane flinches under his gaze. Ryan has to squint because the sun is blinding him. There’s a small smile on his lips.« You okay, big guy? »Shane almost jumps at the sound of his voice. Ryan has never looked more beautiful, he thinks. The morning light is making his skin glow like gold, and if Shane could get just a little bit closer he would be able to count each eyelash on Ryan’s lids. Shane wants to reach out because no person in a dream of his has ever looked so real and tangible.He almost chokes on a sob. « How could I be? »-Ryan dies, and Shane feels like he's slowly losing his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably way less grim than the tags make it out to be. or maybe not, I have absolutely no idea! anyway, i'm so sorry Ryan and Shane
> 
> this wasn't beta'ed (is that the right word?) and English isn't my first language, so please bear with me :/ if you see mistakes or you don't like what i'm writing, you're allowed to yell at me in the comments
> 
> title is from Dreams by Fleetwood Mac (oh how original)

As soon as he sees him, Shane’s knees give out from underneath him and he collapses on the floor, his skin grinding against the small pieces of glass scattered all over the floor. It hurts, but not as much as the clutching feeling tearing up his insides and the tightening knot in his throat making it hard to breathe. He swallows a sob.

Ryan is lying at his feet, blood pooling around his body, an enormous piece of glass stuck in the stomach, staining his shirt red all around it. His eyes are closed and his skin has lost all color, looking almost grey.

Shane whimpers, covering his mouth with his hand.

They had arrived the previous day with TJ, for an evening of filming and a night of ignoring Ryan’s freak-outs, at least on Shane’s part. The Thornton house had been on Ryan’s list for a long time, and Shane thinks he has heard the story of how a demon supposedly murdered a whole family there in the twenties dozens of times. Maybe more. Now, he wishes he hadn’t. He wishes they never came here, wishes that Ryan never read that article on it months ago, wishes he had the decency and common sense to never accept to be a part of this god forsaken stupid ghost hunting show, because if the price for it is Ryan’s death, it’s way too fucking high.

He closes his eyes. It’s his mind messing up with him. It has to be. The house is horrifying, and the shoot and Ryan’s stories about the killings that took place here decades ago, as well as Shane’s own exhaustion are meddling with his ability to stay clear-headed. Nothing is afoot. He’s dreaming, he’s hallucinating, and _this is not happening_. He realizes he’s still clutching the door handle in his hand, so maybe if he keeps his eyes pinched closed and shuts the door, all of this will disappear, or he will wake up from this nightmare and go on with his night, with Ryan sleeping soundly next to him.

He doesn’t. He opens his eyes again and Ryan is still here. He bites his lower lip so hard he tastes blood.

« Fuck. » He whispers, and feels tears swelling up in his eyes.

This isn’t right. Looking at Ryan’s literal corpse isn’t right. This shouldn’t exist, it’s wrong and it’s fucking unfair. Ryan is sunshine, and infectious laughs and warm smiles. Ryan and death don’t mix. They just don’t.

Shane reaches out to touch him, because everything feels eerie and surreal and he still has hope that maybe, _hopefully_ , this never took place.

Slowly, delicately, he brushes the inside of Ryan’s wrist with his index finger. He feels like retching. The skin is impossibly soft but cold to the touch, and also genuine. Shane bursts in tears, burying his face in his hands.

He loses track of time, but after a while he wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand and tries to steady his breathing. It seems his distress has opened a bottomless pit in his chest, and if he doesn’t stop himself he’ll spend the next lifetime crying. Every time he inhales, it doesn’t quite seem to reach his lungs, but he gets up, clutching his shirt against his chest. He staggers and almost steps into blood. Nausea is rising in his stomach.

He looks at Ryan and there’s a weird feeling settling in his stomach, right next to the despair that’s already coiling around his guts. Fear, maybe, or something close to it. 

How the fuck did this happen, he thinks. How can Ryan be dead, when he spent most of the night sleeping next to Shane, curled up in his sleeping bag, in the room right next to the one he’s lying lifeless in right now? The abnormality of the situation is getting to Shane and he wants to fucking scream.

He feels panic bubbling up in his chest. Someone was here, someone, something, anything, this didn’t happen on its own. He takes a step back and his vision is all blurry, from tears, from fear, from the whirlwind of feelings making it impossible to have a rational thought. He staggers out of the room and flinches when his back hits the opposite wall. He pants against it, eyes still fixed on Ryan, and it all feels like too much. He never wants to look at him again, not like this, so he averts his eyes, and stares into the hallway.

The house is dark and the hallway terrifying, so he decides to get out. He runs out of the house, fumbles with the front door when it doesn’t open, heart pounding in his chest, and he bolts across the garden, to the car. He feels dizzy when he reaches it, and throws up next to it, steadying himself with a hand on the hood.

He feels filthy. The blood, the vomit, the house, it’s all making him feel sick, and he desperately wants to leave this place.

Shane doesn’t dare to look at the house. There’s something unbearably painful about it, even the idea of it, because Ryan’s body is _in there_.

He has to do something about it, he thinks. He feels bad, almost guilty for leaving, it’s like admitting the fatality of the situation, admitting that there’s nothing that can be done about it, that Ryan’s death cannot be helped, not now or ever. Ryan is dead, and it’s forever.

Shane feels another wave of nausea hitting him, so he spits on the ground. He fishes the car keys out of his pocket, and it’s fucking miraculous that they’re even there. He climbs behind the wheel, and turns the key in the ignition.

-

He doesn’t even know how he makes it safely to the nearest police station. One second he’s starting the car, the next he’s running into the precinct, almost yelling at the receptionist, who looks annoyingly sleepy. Shane can’t really blame him, after all it’s almost four in the morning.

« Please, I need help! »

The man slowly looks up at him. « Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything? » He says, and his voice sounds unbearably formal.

Shane runs his hand through his hair, pointing at where he came from. « My friend and I, we were staying at a house, the Thornton house, near— »

The man frowns. « The haunted place? What about it? » He asks.

« My friend is in it, he was killed! »

The man stares at Shane, looking disapproving. « Is this a joke? We get this all the time from you kids, and it’s never funny. You know, we have real work to do around here. »

Shane can feel tears on his cheeks. 

« Please, sir. It’s not a joke, » he breathes out. « He’s in there. Something happened to him. »

The policeman tilts his head, and seems to scan Shane’s face, eyes narrowed. « Really? »

Shane purses his lips and nods, looking down. 

The policeman extends a hand to pat him awkwardly on the shoulder. « Wait here, young man, I’ll be right back. » He disappears behind a door, only to come back after a few minutes, accompanied by an austere looking policeman, who gestures at Shane to come closer and follow him. He’s ushered in a depressing office, the bare walls painted in a repulsive green.  
The man sits down behind his desk, and Shane does the same.

« Can I have your name? »

« It’s Shane Madej. M-A-D-E-J. » He’s speaking so fast it’s a wonder the man in front of him doesn’t ask him to repeat himself.

« Your address? » The policeman asks, without looking away from his screen.

Shane starts seeing red. « My ad— Sir, my friend just died! »

The policeman turns to him, and he looks so indifferent it makes Shane’s blood boil in his veins. « We need all of this information, before we go any further— »

Shane springs up, towering over the desk. « You people, this is not a joke! » He shouts.

The policeman looks at him, and seems to finally notice Shane’s distress. « Please, Mr. Madej. Stay seated. »

Shane sniffs, rubs his nose and sits back down again, running a hand through his hair.

The man clears his throat. « Where was this? »

« At the Thornton house. »

The policeman stands up and walks back to the door, opening it.

« Hey, Nichols, I need you to go take a look at he Thornton house. There may have been a homicide there. Take as many men as you can. »

He closes it again and goes back to sit behind the desk, eyeing Shane.

« What were you doing there? » He asks, voice stern.

« My friend and I have a ghost-hunting show. We had permission to stay the night there from the owner. We weren’t trespassing. »

The man narrows his eyes. « What did you see exactly? What happened? »

Shane takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. « I woke up in the middle of the night. We were sleeping in a bedroom, upstairs. My friend is easily scared, and he usually keeps me up all night, but when I checked the time I realized he hadn’t said anything in a long time, which was already odd. »

The policeman starts typing on his computer, and he’s so slow and he’s pressing on the keys so hard it’s starting to irritate Shane. The blue hue of the screen is casting a very serene light on the policeman’s face. He turns to look at Shane. « Around which time was this? »

« A little after three a.m. » Shane immediately answers. He feels all jittery and his leg his bouncing under the desk.

« And then? »

Shane winces and looks down at his hands. « I noticed he wasn’t in his sleeping bag, or in the room. I thought he had just… Gone to take a leak, you know, even if he never does, at least not without waking me up first. Again, this was a bit strange, but I thought nothing of it. There was plenty of plausible explanations. »

He notices his hands are starting to tremble. He clears his throat.

« I waited for… Ten minutes, maybe. I checked the time again, and I think it was close to three thirty. »

« And then? » The voice of the policeman sounds muffled next to the ringing in Shane’s ears.

« I got up, decided to go find him. »

« You weren’t scared? »

Shane smiles. « No. You see, he’s the believer, and I’m the skeptic. » He hears the policeman type and he wonders how that could in any way be of any relevance to all this. His smile fades, because what happens next has him wanting to cry again.

« The first room I checked was the one next to the one we were sleeping in, and— » His voice breaks, and he sobs.

The man behind the desk stays silent for a few seconds, looking at him. He grabs something from under his desk and holds out a box of tissues to Shane. Shane gladly takes three and blows his nose in it. The noise he makes is ridiculous. He sets them on the desk and hides his eyes under his hands.

« I found him there. He was… bleeding out, on the floor. »

« Was he injured? »

Shane takes a shaky breath. « Yes. He had— Fuck, he had a… A piece of glass in the stomach. A big one. »

« How did you know he was dead? » 

Shane laughs and stares at the ceiling. « There was so much blood he could just as well have been drowning in it. » And fuck, this sounded morbid. The policeman stares at him, dumbfounded, before looking away.

« Okay. Is there anything you want to add? »

Shane racks up his mind, but he’s coming up empty. 

« No, » he whispers, « I just want to know what happened to him. »

-

He spends the night at the police station, sitting on an uncomfortable chair in a corner. He doesn’t fall asleep, but he feels completely stunned from pain and crying, which is what he did all night, really. He doesn’t even realize it’s the morning until he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He takes it out. It’s TJ and Shane would suddenly rather relive last night again than having to explain what happened to Ryan. He still picks up.

« Hey, » he says. His throat is completely dry.

« Hey, Shane? » TJ sounds pretty alarmed. « Man, what’s going on? I went back to get you guys this morning but the car is gone and the place is swarming with policemen and— »

Shane closes his eyes but doesn’t have time to answer, as he feels a hand squeezing his shoulder. He looks up, and the policeman he talked to last night his looking down at him. Shane immediately hangs up.

The policeman guides him towards his office and shuts the door after them. He sits down, gesturing for Shane to do the same.

This is agonizing, Shane thinks. The man’s expression is unreadable, and he looks weary and pretty exhausted. He sighs and spreads his arm on his desk.

« I— We didn’t find anything. » He blurts out.

Shane feels blood throbbing in his ears. « What? »

« We found you and your friend’s belonging in the bedroom upstairs, like you said, but… The next room was empty. »

Shane frowns, blinks, opens his mouth to talk and closes it again. « That’s— No, that’s impossible, he was in there! I saw him, I touched him, I… »

« There was nothing, Mr. Madej. We did find broken glass, like you told us— »

« Yes, that’s what he was injured with! » Shane exclaims.

« There wasn’t any shard big enough to stab somebody. And besides, we didn’t see any blood, or any sign of a struggle. »

There’s something spinning in Shane’s head, and he’s starting to have a headache.

« That’s impossible! Somebody must have removed it! » 

« Mr. Madej, please, remain calm. There’s no way somebody would have had enough time to move a body and clean the scene. We would have seen it. » The policeman says.

« But… I know what I saw. » Shane says. His voice is almost pleading, because fuck, he’s not lying. He would never lie about something like that, it’s way too fucked up.

« I’m very sorry, Mr. Madej. I’m not denying what you saw, but right now there’s nothing I can do. »

Shane falls back against his chair, stunned.

The policeman watches him for a few seconds. « My men found this in the room where you were sleeping. Is this your friend? »

Shane looks up. The policeman has a small plastic bag in his hand, containing what looks like an ID card. Shane hunches over the man’s desk to get a closer look. Ryan looks stupid and tired in the photo, like it’s a mugshot for a guy who was caught stealing ice cream or something, and Shane remembers Ryan telling him he was sick that day. He sighs.

« Yeah, it’s him. » He says.

The policeman nods. « Okay. The only thing I can do right now is issue a missing person file for your friend. I’m going to need your help with this. »

Shane purses his lips. « Of course. » He says softly.

The policeman looks at him. « Now, I’m going to have to be honest with you, Mr. Madej. There’s not much hope of finding him, but the quicker we get this done, the higher the chance of seeing him alive again is. So let’s do this. » He turns to his computer.

Shane bites back a laugh. He knows this. He knows he won’t see Ryan alive again. But he desperately wants to know what happened to him, and if this is the way to do so, then so be it.

-

TJ is waiting for him in front of the precinct. He looks worried and exhausted.

« Hey, man. » He says.

« Hey. » Shane whispers.

TJ spreads out his arm, and Shane doesn’t hesitate. TJ’s hugs are grounding. Sadly, it’s not enough to bring Shane’s growing confusion to an end.

« I should drive back, » TJ says.

Shane nods, rubbing his eyes. They walk in silence to the car, parked a few feet away.

TJ exhales and looks at Shane. « Hey, I still… Don’t really get what happened. »

Shane bites his lower lip. « Fuck man, me neither. »

« A policeman told me that… You thought you saw Ryan in the house? I mean… » TJ hesitates. « That you saw him… Dead or something? » 

Shane closes his eyes. « I’m— Yeah, I did, I— Fuck, I don’t get it! What the fuck happened? » He exhales. « I mean, we were sleeping in the same room! He always wakes me up whenever he hears something weird, and I just— I don’t understand how this could have happened without me hearing anything. It doesn’t make any sense! » 

TJ puts his hand on Shane’s shoulder. « Hey, don’t beat yourself over this. » He says.

« How could I not?! » Shane can hear his voice start to break. TJ’s hand squeezes his shoulder.

« It’s not your fault, man! And we don’t know what happened to him. He might be okay, he’ll probably turn up, or they’ll find him— »

« They won’t! He’s dead, and I saw him, and I… I don’t fucking get what’s going on! » He’s almost shouting and he realizes that they are getting stares from strangers. He doesn’t care. « I’m— I don’t know what’s happening to me, I feel like I’m going crazy but I know I saw him, I know it, and it’s so fucking frustrating because something happened to him and nobody knows what! » He’s panting now, and TJ looks completely shell-shocked. Shane takes a deep breath and sits down on the edge of the sidewalk. TJ sits down next to him.

Shane thinks it’s not fair for TJ to be getting yelled at right now. He’s probably as worried sick and as lost as Shane is.

« I’m so sorry, man. I shouldn’t have yelled. » He mutters.

He hears TJ sigh. « Don’t be sorry. I mean, Ryan is missing, for god’s sake. »

He’s not missing, Shane wants to add. He’s dead. But he does no such thing, because he’s done feeling miserable for the day. It’s one thing to see your best friend’s dead body lying in a pool of his own blood and another to have nobody believe you actually did, but he’s fed up with the two. He wants to sleep, to feel nothing of the internal turmoil that’s making his guts twist every time he swallows his spit, he wants to forget. He wants this day to be over and wake up tomorrow morning and see Ryan alive and well like it was all a bad dream. He knows he won’t, but it seems that hoping so is the only thing keeping him from having a mental breakdown right now. He barely registers TJ talking to him.

« We should go, man. You need to rest. »

There’s a knot in Shane’s throat. If he speaks he’s going to cry again, so he just nods and stands up. His legs are trembling and he has trouble finding his balance once up, until TJ steadies him by putting his hands on Shane’s arms. 

The car ride is completely silent. Shane feels so numb the whole time he’s actually surprised when TJ parks in front of his apartment. He stops the car and turns hid head to look at him. Shane hasn’t even glanced at him the whole trip, his eyes fixed outside the window. He’s wanted nothing but to be alone since they left hours ago.

« Do you want me to stay or something? I really don’t think you should be alone right now. » TJ’s voice sounds so sympathetic and so fucking sad. 

He’s right, Shane thinks. But the truth is the idea of pretending that they can still be hopeful, of acting like maybe he could dismiss what he saw to give others some false pretense that with luck, things could be okay is making him sick to his stomach. He needs to be alone, because Ryan is dead, and if nobody believes him he’s never going to be able to mourn. So he tells TJ no, he gets his stuff from the trunk of the car and walks up to the stairs of his building by himself. 

It’s sickening to be back in a familiar environment and yet to know that things are never going to be the same. As he enters his apartment, he keeps being reminded of Ryan’s presence there in the past. Shane cannot help but tell himself that his friend is never going to come back here again, to knock on his door on pizza night, to complain because Shane’s place is always so fucking messy, to spill his beer on the coffee table because he’s always been clumsy. He’s never going to have stupid conversations about why sport matters anymore, he’s never going to have to argue that ghosts aren’t real anymore, he’s never going to be able to speak about fucking haunted houses without wanting to throw up immediately ever again.

He drops his travel bag on the floor of his flat, takes of his shoes and moves to the kitchen. He needs something to drink. He opens his cupboard and gets a bottle of vodka. It’s untouched, he opens it and doesn’t even bother pouring it in a glass, drinking directly from the bottle. He doesn’t stop until he’s out of breath and he feels his throat burn like he just swallowed a match.

He walks over to the living room and sits down on the couch. His whole body is shaking and the alcohol hasn’t even done anything to him yet.

He feels his eyes begin to prickle. Crying truly feels inevitable now. He grabs a blanket lying on the couch next to him and buries his face in it. 

At first the tears start to roll quietly, but the more he thinks about Ryan the more afflicted he feels. He reaches a point where he starts to feel actual pain in his lungs, and he’s hit with the thought that Ryan will never know the way Shane truly felt about him. Because Shane knows he felt more than friendship for his friend. He knows he had started to feel butterflies in his stomach every time Ryan smiled at him, every time his eyes looked so bright after Shane had made him laugh to the tears, every time he smiled up at Shane in this special and so fucking endearing way.

Shane has never put words on those feelings, and now more than ever he’s so fucking afraid to. He feels he’s going to die of grief if he does. Right now burying them somewhere they’re never going to resurface again feels like survival more than denial.

He gets up after a while, feeling exhaustion down to his bones. He’s so tired from crying he barely has time to get to the bed before collapsing on it.

-

He dreams that he’s back at the Thornton house. He’s on the sidewalk in front of the garden, he knows the car is parked right behind him, because that’s where he left it the day before. It’s early in the morning, the air is warm and there’s a light breeze. Shane can guess that it’s going to be a sunny day. The sun is slowly rising and the clouds look pink against the sky, a gradient of yellows and oranges. Shane loses himself in his contemplation. His heart is heavy but somehow, he feels quite content.

Suddenly, he hears a shuffling noise behind him. He turns around, and what he sees makes a pit open in his stomach.

Ryan is here, he’s putting their stuff in the trunk of the car. The scene feels completely mundane, like nothing ever happened that night, like they got up around seven a.m. like they always do, like they packed up their gear and are now ready to go, ready to leave this place behind like they did every other filming location they ever went to, like it’s just another house Ryan freaked out in while Shane laughed at him.

Shane just looks at him. He’s afraid to talk to him. He feels like if he does the dream is going to abruptly come to an end, or Ryan is going to drop dead on the pavement. Maybe he’s just supposed to watch, and if he stays quiet, keeps his distance and doesn’t disturb the scene, he’ll get to watch Ryan be alive and breathing and happy forever. But the younger man puts an end to his musing, because once he’s done putting the bags in the car trunk, he closes it, turns back to Shane and looks at him. Shane flinches under his gaze. Ryan has to squint because the sun is blinding him. There’s a small smile on his lips.

« You okay, big guy? »

Shane almost jumps at the sound of his voice. Ryan has never looked more beautiful, he thinks. The morning light is making his skin glow like gold, and if Shane could get just a little bit closer he would be able to count each eyelash on Ryan’s lids. Shane wants to reach out because no person in a dream of his has ever looked so real and tangible. 

He almost chokes on a sob. « How could I be? »

Ryan looks away in the distance. « Don’t worry, things will be okay again soon. »

« I don’t believe you. » Shane immediately retorts.

Ryan looks back at him again. « You don’t have to. It’s going to happen whether you do or not. »

The thought is making Shane shudder. How could things get better if Ryan isn’t here? How could Shane possibly start to feel okay when he knows his friend met such a violent end? And that by some sick twist of events his body is fucking missing? Maybe Ryan would like that, he thinks, he could become the next biggest unsolved case, the modern Louis Le Prince or something. Someone is going to have to hit Shane on the head with a barrel until he forgets his own name before he accepts that.

« I don’t want to forget about you. » 

Ryan looks away and lets out a small chuckle. « Oh, that’s what you thought I meant. » Shane knows he’s dreaming but he’s about to pass out from anguish and he really cannot understand what’s so funny right now. 

Then Ryan looks up, and he’s smiling, but there’s something impossibly strong about him. « You’re not going to forget about me, and you won’t feel this pain for much longer. »

Shane feels resentment build up in his chest. These riddles are getting annoying. « How could you possibly know? You’re dead. »

He immediately regrets his answer, because Ryan keeps smiling but he’s never looked so sad. He shakes his head. « Shut up, Shane. »

Shane hates to be the one to make him look like that. Holding Ryan’s gaze starts feeling too overwhelming so he averts his eyes to the ground.

« I know better than you. » Ryan says then. His voice is full of the mischief and taunting Shane is used to, and he wants to ask more questions, wants to see the the playful glint in Ryan’s eyes he loves so much, but before he can open his mouth everything goes dark again.

-

He wakes up late the next day. He feels disoriented at first, because light is flooding in his room and he always sleeps with the blinds closed, and he’s also still wearing his jacket. Everything comes back to him in an instant, and for a minute he thinks he’s going to pass out from pain.

He stays in bed long after waking up. He knew it was false hope, but nor the alcohol or the night made his sorrow recede. He feels a burden so heavy in his chest he might throw up again, but it’s also likely that he’s hungover. He’s supposed to go to work, but he thinks no one will blame him if he doesn’t, and anyway, if he’s being honest with himself, he couldn’t care less at the moment.

It’s almost noon when he does finally get up, and he staggers out of bed to the kitchen. He’s not hungry and he still feel nauseous, but he takes the bottle of vodka from where he left it on the counter last night and pours himself a glass. He cannot bring himself to drink it though, because as soon as he smells it he’s hit with another wave of nausea so strong he rushes to the bathroom. He spends a few minutes leaning over the toilet, but nothing comes out. That’s when he remembers that he hasn’t eaten for two days, and the last meal he had ended up on the sidewalk anyway.

As expected, there’s nothing in his fridge. He considers ordering something but having a conversation seems too exhausting at the moment. 

He goes to the living room and flops down on the sofa. The blanket he used last night to wipe his tears off is still lying on the floor, and his bag of dirty clothes that he had brought with him to the filming location is still there too. He contemplates occupying himself with chores, empty the travel bag, put the dirty laundry in the washing machine, clean the apartment. But he cannot get his body to move.

He doesn’t move for a long time and he’s almost starting to fall asleep again when he hears his phone buzz in his bedroom. He immediately gets up, and rushes to it. His hands are trembling as he picks it up, and he’s expecting to see the name of the policeman he has the number of to appear on his screen, but it’s Sara. Something drops in his belly, he’s so disappointed he almost ignores the call, but he thinks she deserves to hear from him, and he also kind of wants to hear her voice.

« Hey, » he says. His voice is raspy from sleep.

« Hey Shane. How are you? » She sounds concerned, as she should be, but still, Shane is glad to hear her voice. 

He wants to laugh but doesn’t. « Just— not good. » He exhales. « You? »

He hears her sigh. « Everything is so weird here, Shane. TJ told us what happened, and everybody is so worried about Ryan… »

Shane rubs at his eyes and says nothing. There’s no need to be worried, he thinks morbidly, because even if Ryan is missing, he isn’t alive. He wants to shout it into the phone but Sara is distressed so he tells nothing. 

« How are you holding up? » She asks.

I’m not, Shane wants to say. And it’s true. Since the previous day, all he has done is cry, drink, and feel so numb from pain that he literally collapsed from exhaustion last night. « Could be better, you know. » He says. Sara hums in response.

They both stay silent for a few seconds before she starts to talk again. « Also… TJ told me what you saw. »

Shane can feel his blood turn to ice. « What? »

« He’s so worried, Shane. Are you okay? He told me you thought you saw Ryan’s body, in the house, and that’s why you went to the police. »

The last thing Shane wants is to have to tell that story again, and he hopes to God Sara will drop it. 

« But they didn’t find him, right? He… He isn’t dead? »

Her voice sounds so aggrieved that Shane cannot take it anymore.

« I’m losing my mind, Sara, » he breathes out.

« What did you see, Shane? What happened? »

He doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to tell the whole story without breaking apart, but he cannot stop now.

He inhales deeply. « I— yes, I saw him. I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in his sleeping bag. He— he wasn’t coming back, so I thought I’d go look around the house to see if I could find him and bring him back to bed, and… »

He has to make a small pause because the knot in his throat is tightening. Sara makes a small noise.

« I found him. In the next room. In a pool of blood. » 

Sara lets out a small whimper. Shane can feel his ears throbbing.

« The police said they found nothing, but. I saw him Sara. I know what I saw. »

Sara is silent for a few seconds. « Okay, okay, I believe you. » He thinks she’s probably saying it to appease him. « But, didn’t they find blood? »

Shane shakes his head. « They found nothing. No blood, no sign of a struggle. He just, » He has trouble saying the next word. « He just vanished. »

« Jesus. »

They both fall silent. 

« Listen Shane, » she says, « I’m so sorry this happened, but… Could it be possible that you dreamed it? It was after a shoot, you probably weren’t in the best place… »

Shane suddenly wants to throw the phone against the wall. « I know what I saw. » He snaps, voice low.

Sara stops talking and he can hear a small ‘sorry’ whispered in the phone. He wishes he hadn’t been so harsh.

« I just… I can’t bring myself to think that he could be dead, » she breathes. Shane knows her like the back of his hand and he knows she’s seconds away from crying.

He sighs. « I’m so sorry, Sara, I just— I don’t get what’s going on either. » He feels the phone starting to shake against his ear. « I just— please don’t tell anybody about this. I know TJ told you but… I’m so fucking tired of talking about it. I just want to be alone. »

« Shane. You shouldn’t be on your own, right now. »

He barks out a dry laugh. He’s heard that one too many times the last few hours.

« I’m— it’s okay, Sara. I just, need some time, you know? » It won’t be enough for her, but maybe she can buy it, for now. She’ll probably spend the rest of the day worried sick about him, and Shane feels guilty for it but he’s not ready to pretend in front of all his colleagues yet.

« I’m coming over, » she says.

« Don’t. » He immediately answers. « It’s better this way. I swear. »

« Shane. » He knows she won’t let it go, so he just thanks her and hangs up.

After he sets his phone back down on his nightstand, he sits on his bed. His eyes are beginning to prickle, and he doesn’t know if it’s from exhaustion or if he’s about to cry. He lies down and stares at the ceiling. He thinks he should probably go get a shower. But before he’s able to gather up enough energy, sleep overcomes him again.

-

That night, he dreams of Ryan again. They are in his car, and the younger man is behind the wheel, focused on the road in front of him. Looking at him, Shane cannot breathe for a second.

The way the light is illuminating the scene, Shane thinks it’s sunrise again, or maybe sunset. But he doesn’t look at the landscape surrounding them. He doesn’t care about it. He only cares that Ryan is here, next to him.

Ryan catches Shane looking at him, and he glances at his friend, smiling.

« Hey, » he says. Shane is unable to make his voice work. Ryan turns to him again. He’s almost smirking. « Lost your tongue? »

Shane clears his throat. « Watch the road, man. » 

Ryan laughs. « Afraid I’ll die again? This is a dream, Shane. » For emphasis, he releases the stirring wheel and smiles at Shane.

« Yes, » Shane simply says. He’s utterly mesmerized by what he’s seeing and cannot look away from his friend. He saw him laugh and smile a thousand times before, and he remembers some of them where he wanted to smack the smile right off of Ryan’s face, but right now he feels blessed to be able to witness this. Ryan laughing. He feels like he’s watching a miracle unfurl right in front of him.

Ryan sighs. « Remember what I told you last time? »

Shane shakes his head. He doesn’t even understand which time Ryan is alluding to.

« I told you, » he says, « that things will get better in no time. »

Shane remembers. It’s complete bullshit his brain came up with to make all this less painful, he thinks.

« It’s literally only been two days. » He mutters.

« Still. » Ryan answers. Shane doesn’t know what the fuck he means by that. « You need to stop moping around like you’ve been doing. Get back to your life. »

Shane throws his hands in the air. « And just forget all this shit show happened?! Gee, golly, thanks for the advice Ryan, you’re right, why didn’t I think of it sooner? » 

Ryan shakes his head. « I didn’t say you needed to forget. But seriously, it will help you get better. »

Shane feels so angry. Why the fuck is this projection of Ryan that his mind decided to create giving him life lessons, right now? « Let me be the judge of that. » 

Ryan looks at him fondly. « Whatever you say, man. » He turns back to the road and Shane can only watch him helplessly as the dream dissolves around him into thin air and he’s left in darkness again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter baby!! we're halfway through :) 
> 
> hope you'll like it!

He wakes up and his mouth feels dry and tastes disgusting so he immediately gets up to brush his teeth.

He takes a glance at himself in the mirror and. He looks really bad. His eyes are all red, his skin is way too pale and his hair completely disheveled and greasy. He tugs on it, trying to get it to stick in the same direction, but it’s ridiculously stubborn and he gives up after a few minutes. He wishes he had concealer or something, the bag under his eyes are huge.

His apartment is a mess. He hasn’t cleaned it since he came back, and it feels a bit suffocating.

He sits on his couch, but he finds there’s a thrill inside of him, telling him to do something, get out of here, take a walk, do anything to stop this day from turning out like the previous one.

Maybe he should go to work, he thinks. See his friends, distract himself by working on some stupid videos. He’s late, but it’s still better than not coming in at all.

He takes a shower and puts his favorite shirt on, eats a banana in three bites and goes to catch his bus.

The ride is pleasant. The sun is out today, but it’s not intolerably hot like L.A. can get. For the first time in a few days, everything in Shane’s life feels normal, and it’s great. Unbelievable, even, given the circumstances.

So normal, actually, that when he gets off the bus, he thinks he spots someone familiar in the distance. There’s someone, just across the street, in front of the Buzzfeed building, who looks _exactly_ like Ryan, almost painfully so. 

Shane almost shouts at his friend and waves his arm at him, heart hammering in his chest, until he realizes that it cannot be his friend. He curses himself mentally for leaving his apartment so soon, because this was bound to happen, and it’s not such a great way to start the day, he thinks.

But still, there’s something odd about the stranger standing just a few feet from him now. Shane could swear the guy’s height is almost the same as Ryan’s, and the sweater he’s wearing looks incredibly close to Ryan’s famous hangover sweatshirt, the grey one with the holes near the sleeves and the small almost unnoticeable stains near the collar, the sweater that Shane always liked to tease him about. He can almost hear Ryan retorting that it may be ugly but it’s the most comfortable sweater he owns, and if Shane doesn’t like it he can go fuck himself. 

However, he doesn’t have time to get a good look, because the man disappears into the Buzzfeed building before he can get to him, which. Is also pretty strange.

He knows he’s going to be disappointed, but he’s dying to get a good look at the man’s face, so he can be convinced, be sure of it, and put all of this to rest. He starts walking faster, runs up the stairs to the office space, and by the time he reaches it he has trouble breathing. Somebody slaps him on the back. He looks up and TJ’s smiling at him, eyes bright.

« Shane, oh my god. You’re never going to believe what just happened. » He says.

Shit, Shane thinks. He has to find the Ryan look-alike again, and he doesn’t have time for this. « Uhhhh, no, what happened? »

Shane’s looking frantically around, and he thinks he can spot the man all the way to the other side of the room, and he exhales in relief.

« Ryan came back! » TJ exclaims.

Shane feels something icy wash over him. His friend is beaming at him, pure happiness on his face.

« What? »

TJ nods. « Yeah, he’s here! Just arrived. Can you believe it? » 

No. No, Shane doesn’t believe him, something’s wrong, something’s very wrong, Ryan can’t be here, he just _can’t_ be here, because—

TJ looks away at that. « Look, he’s over here! »

Shane can’t help but look in the direction TJ’s pointing to, and he feels like dying on the spot. The man he saw downstairs is turned in their direction, and he’s looking right at them, locking eyes with Shane. It’s Ryan.

Shane steps back. « What? Wh— No, that’s— » 

« Shane? » 

He can feel his knees starting to give out from under him.

« Shane, you look pale, are you okay? » TJ asks.

Shane’s ears are ringing so loud he doesn’t even hear the end of the sentence. Ryan hasn’t stopped staring at him, and even though he’s completely surrounded by their coworkers, all looking incredibly excited he’s back, he breaks through the crowd and starts walking in their direction. Shane takes another step back.

« No, » he says, « No, this is— »

He feels someone grabbing his arm, and suddenly he’s being ushered out of the room, in the hallway. Sara is looking up at him, expression unreadable. Shane is breathing way too fast, so she pushes him down on a seat and she kneels in front of him.

« Shane. Shane, you have to calm down. » She says.

He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. « Sara. Sara, this cannot be happening. » He mutters.

He can feel her hands massaging his temples, trying to soothe him. « It’s okay, Shane. It’s okay, you’re okay, and Ryan’s okay. »

He opens his eyes and inhales deeply.

« No, » he mutters, « he’s not okay, it’s not possible, he just can’t— »

« You guys alright? »

Shane and Sara both look up to where the voice comes from, and Shane is pretty sure he’s going to vomit in the next few minutes. Ryan is standing in front of them, looking concerned, and very alive. Shit, Ryan is alive, and breathing and Shane pinches himself because he remembers dreaming of Ryan last night, and maybe he actually never woke up. He squeezes his skin until it hurts and he bites his tongue. 

Ryan approaches and Shane gets up of his seat, wanting to put as much distance between him and his friend as possible. But Ryan crouches next to Sara, and asks her if she can give them some privacy.

Shane is praying for Sara to stay, to notice the pleading expression on his face and realize it’s probably not the best idea to leave the two of them alone right now, but she takes one look at Ryan and leaves, grabbing Shane’s hand and squeezing it before walking away. Ryan stands up and looks at him. 

« Hey, man, » he says. He sounds unsure of himself.

Shane buries his face in his hands. This is insane, he thinks. He’s going insane, he’s hallucinating, or he’s dreaming, or he’s gone back in time. But Ryan can’t be here in front of him. 

He sighs and tries to ground himself. « Ryan. What the fuck happened? »

Ryan throws his arms in the air in frustration. « I don’t get it, man. I was— Where were you? »

« What the fuck do you m— I was at the house! Where were _you_? » Shane hisses.

« That’s… I should be the one asking questions! » Ryan stares at him a few seconds. « I woke up the day after the shooting, like around noon or something, and I was like… outside, all the way to the back of the garden, and I thought it was a joke you know, that you had moved me during the night or something, but you guys were gone, and I couldn’t find my phone, and— »

Shane feels his ears throbbing. This is a lie, Ryan is lying, none of this is right. He grabs Ryan’s shirt and yanks it up. Ryan yelps.

« What are you doing? »

Shane feels dizzy. There’s nothing on Ryan’s chest, no scar, no bandage, no trace of the smallest injury. Just Ryan’s smooth skin. He doesn’t have time to think about how weird what he just did is, because this is just too fucking creepy and Shane is at a loss. He releases Ryan’s shirt and stumbles backward until he feels the wall against his back. Something very wrong is at work here, he thinks.

« This cannot be. » He mutters. « Fuck, fuck, fu— »

« Shane. » Ryan grabs his wrist and Shane yanks his hand off it. His friend takes a step back and Shane slides down along the wall until he hits the floor. His whole body is trembling.

« Shane. » Ryan crouches down. « What’s going on? »

« That’s what I’d like to know. » Shane snaps back. He inhales and the breath catches in his chest. If he doesn’t calm down he’s going to start hyperventilating soon.

« Shit. Shit, Shane, you don’t look good. Are you— »

Nausea suddenly overcomes him and he runs to the bathroom, spilling his guts into the nearest stall. He crouches next to it, breathing heavily. He can hear someone approaching behind him, and he recognizes Ryan’s voice, wincing.

« Are you alright? »

He turns back. Ryan is standing in front of the light entering the room, shining a halo all around him, and for a minute Shane thinks he looks unworldly. Which is fair, he thinks bitterly, because Ryan is supposed to be dead, and Shane and every body else have to be dreaming because there’s no way that his friend is standing up in front of him right now, except if some kind of mass delusion is going on.

« Fuck no, I’m not. » He wipes his mouth and he feels disgusting. « How are you here? »

Ryan rubs the back of his neck. « I… I went to the police, and I called Jake and— »

« That’s not what I— » He groans. His head is pounding and it’s not pleasant. « I saw you, in the house. »

« Well, yeah, we were there for filming, I mean… What are you talking about? »

Shane closes his eyes. « I saw you dead, Ryan. » His voice sounds so small he’s wondering for a minute if Ryan heard him.

« You… What? »

« I saw you dead. »

Ryan laughs nervously. « Is this… Is this some kind of joke? »

Shane feels something sinking inside of him. He thinks he might throw up again, but he just emptied his entrails so he doubts anything will come out again. « Seeing you just made me puke, Ryan. What do you think? »

Ryan gawks at him. « That’s… There must have been a nicer way for you to phrase that. »

They stare at each other for a full minute before Ryan opens his mouth again. « Look, I— Seriously, what’s going on? What did you see? »

Shane stands up and Ryan takes a step back. He has trouble uttering the next words. « You were dead, Ryan. In the room next to where we were sleeping. »

« I… How? »

Shane swallows and it almost stays stuck in his throat. « You had a shard of glass in the stomach. You were… literally lying in a pool of blood. Your blood. »

He thinks he can see Ryan pale. « You’re… You’re joking. » He breathes.

Shane sighs and walks to the sink to clean himself up. « Wish I was. » He can see Ryan pacing in the mirror. He stops in his tracks and looks at Shane.

« But I’m here! »

« That’s what I don’t get. »

Ryan looks at him and purses his lips. « Look, man, I’m sorry but… You must have been dreaming, or something. I mean… »

There’s something pained and strained about the lines of his face, and Shane thinks he looks a little grey, as if exhausted or sick. He looks a lot like he did three days ago, when Shane found him, and it’s the most unacceptable thought Shane has ever had. 

He’s going crazy, he thinks. That’s the only explanation.

« I can’t stay here, » Shane mutters. « I have to go. »

He rushes out of the bathroom, picks up his stuff at his desk and runs off into the street, ignoring Ryan shouting his name after him.

-

His first instinct when he reaches his apartment is to get that bottle of vodka again and down it one go. But as he grabs it he becomes aware that what he needs right now is clarity, because everything is already falling apart around him and he needs to, somehow, keep his head clear.

He sits in his sofa and starts to think. 

So, Ryan’s back. He’s back as if nothing ever happened, and he was never hurt. He was moved during the night, by neither Shane nor TJ, and he slept soundly until the next morning. 

It sounds like a load of bullshit.

Shane’s sure he didn’t hallucinate Ryan’s body in the house. As hard and fucking _painful_ it is to admit it, it happened. He takes a deep breath and closes the eyes, trying to remind himself of the scene, to make it as vivid as he can. It’s hard, and after ten seconds he feels like crying again.

Fuck, he thinks. Something is truly wrong.

What Ryan said doesn’t even make any sense. He said he woke up in the garden the next day, but the house had been swarming with policemen for hours, well into the day, and they hadn’t find anything. For a window in time, Ryan had truly vanished. Or, more precisely, Ryan’s body. Ryan’s dead body. Shane bites his lip and tastes blood.

Suddenly, it occurs to him that Ryan might no be telling the truth. He feels so wrong even thinking about it, because he trusts Ryan, he always has. Mistrusting him would be like doubting of his very own name. Nothing makes sense about that. Ryan has been a constant in his life the past few years, he knows so. He stops that train of thought right there though, because he feels like he’s entering mental breakdown territory again.

He groans, burying his head in his hands.

So maybe it isn’t Ryan, then. 

Maybe Ryan did die that night, and maybe his body did disappear, God knows how, and somebody, something, has taken his place. He sounds a lot like his friend did in some of their most stupid videos, he realizes. Maybe Ryan became a lizard person, or maybe he’s been cloned by the illuminati. Or, while Shane was busy crying his heart out in front of doubtful policemen, his friend was abducted by aliens in the night. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It’s probably just Shane going mad. He laughs bitterly.

But still, something doesn’t ring true about all this.

Shane grabs the nearest pillow lying next to him and screams into it in frustration. He’s tired of all this. He wishes something would make sense in his life, and right now it feels like nothing does. 

He feels a bit ridiculous about this, because it’s the middle of the afternoon, but he ponders over going to bed and sleeping his worries away. He stands up abruptly. He’s not tired, not at all, it feels like all he has been doing lately is sleep, but he remembers having sleeping pills, somewhere in his flat.

He strides to his bathroom and rummages around the cupboard until he finds the box. He swallows a pill immediately, undresses himself, and slips into bed, almost giddy at the prospect of a dreamless sleep.

He closes his eyes.

-

The next day, he’s woken up by someone knocking on his door. He opens his eyes groggily, checks his phone and realizes it’s past one p.m. He probably overdid it with the pills.

When he opens the door, he isn’t expecting to see Ryan behind it. His friend’s eyes immediately light up. Shane is so not fucking ready for this. He wants to close the door right in front in Ryan’s face so he never has to see it juxtaposed to the one he saw in the Thornton house ever again. He brings his hand to his eyes to rub them.

« Hey, » he says quietly.

« Hey man, » Ryan answers, « You, uh, you feeling better? »

At this, Shane can feel his friend’s hand on his arm and this is all too much. He backs down instinctively, and Ryan takes it as an invitation to enter the flat, so he does. He closes the door behind him and walks to the living room. Shane wants to flee but he doesn’t, and follows after him.

« Not really. Just tired, you know. » Making small talk like this is so surreal and ridiculous at the same time. He notices that Ryan is carrying a take-out bag. Ryan follows his gaze and raises the bag in front of him before setting it on the coffee table.

« Oh yeah, I brought you food, » he says, smiling, « Thought maybe we could have lunch break together like we usually do. »

Shane’s heart starts beating loudly in his chest.

« Why are you here? » His voice is so dry and monotone it doesn’t even sound like a question. Ryan’s smile falters.

« What do you mean, man? I came to see you. »

Shane sighs and starts to pace the room. « I don’t— fuck, man. I cannot see you right now. »

« Why? » 

Shane stops in his tracks. Fuck, this isn’t happening. He looks at Ryan. « You know why. »

Ryan looks uncomfortable. Shane doesn’t blame him. Ryan averts his eyes and looks to the window. He’s fumbling with his hands. « I don’t know what to tell you, man. Whatever you saw, it clearly didn’t happen. »

« But it did! » Shane can feel his breaths coming out all ragged and rough. He needs to calm down or he’s going to pass out in a minute. He realizes he’s been walking in circles in the living room since the beginning of their conversation and he must truly look like a madman now. He takes a deep breath but somehow, it doesn’t seem to reach his lungs. He stares at his hands and they are shaking. He lifts his gaze to watch at Ryan. « I saw you dead, I was so— fuck, I was so shocked I stayed in the room for so long just— trying to wrap my head around what had happened! » This isn’t making him look any better but he cannot hold it in. He’s so sick of sorting out what he wants to say to make himself look less insane.

Ryan looks hurt. He’s just standing in his spot, completely frozen. « This is so fucked up, Shane. What do you want me to say? »

Shane sighs. « Just tell me the truth, man. » His voice sounds so quiet and pleading and he hates it. « Tell me what happened to you. » He needs to occupy his hands so he runs them through his hair. 

Ryan’s eyes look so bright it seems he’s about to cry. « I already did, Shane. I don’t understand what’s happening. »

Shane exhales shakily. « Who the fuck are you, man? » He shakes his head. He’s started to feel nauseated again. « Where the fuck is Ryan? » His voice is trembling too.

« I’m right here. » Ryan’s voice sounds so small.

« You’re lying. » Shane snarls. There’s a stranger in front of him impersonating his dead best friend and he’s done being nice to him.

Ryan looks angry and distressed and he stares at Shane for what feels like an eternity before taking a deep breath and leaving the room. Shane doesn’t follow him and he hears him get out of the apartment and slamming the door after him. 

Shane collapses on the couch. He swears he could have seen tears on Ryan’s face.

-

He dreams of Ryan again that night. He’s in his friend’s flat, on the couch, watching TV, and Ryan is right next to him. It feels sickeningly familiar. He buries his face in his hands.

« What the fuck is happening to me? » He breathes.

He can feel a hand curling on his arm.

« You okay, Shane? »

He slaps Ryan’s hand away, looking him in the eyes. He feels furious. He throws his arms in the air in frustration.

« You keep asking me this but— Fuck, is it not obvious?! »

Ryan retrieves his hand, looking pained. Shane exhales loudly through his nose.

« I feel like I’m going crazy and— and this! » He gestures at their surroundings. « This is not helping! » He’s almost yelling.

« Sorry. »

He turns to look at Ryan. « Why— it’s not your fault. Don’t apologize. »

Ryan closes his eyes and sighs. « It’s— In a way, it is. So, I’m sorry. For everything. »

Shane feels lost. « What— What are you talking about, Ryan? »

Ryan looks at him. « I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I’m sorry for what I’m making you go through. I don’t know what else to do. »

They stare at each other for a full minute before Shane starts spluttering again. « I’m just— What— I’m so fucking tired of these— fucking riddles! I just want all of this to stop. Please, make it stop. » He closes his eyes again. He’s tired of Ryan being involved in every second of his life, down to when he’s asleep. He cannot rest.

« But I’m still here. » Ryan says. Shane opens his eyes and there’s something desperate in his friend’s gaze.

« I’m still here, and I need you to know that. »

Shane clenches his fists. « Then I hope I’ll find you. »

Ryan smiles, and the dream fades.

-

Shane wakes up angry. He wakes up angry, and sick of it all and with a newfound willingness to get to the bottom of all the fuckery that’s been going on lately.

He didn’t set an alarm last night so he wakes up later than usual and he’s late for work, but as soon as he’s awake he jumps out of bed, puts clothes on and goes to work without even eating breakfast. His apartment is starting to feel like a madman’s den anyway, and he’s eager to leave it for the day.

He’s practically buzzing with anger as he leaves his place. He’s going to find out the truth, he’s going to unmask the person pretending to be Ryan, and he’s going to find out what happened to his friend, even if it’s the last thing he’ll do.

He doesn’t feel as brave when he arrives at the office, though. Ryan is hunched over his desk, looking at his computer screen, headphones on his head. Shane stops to look at him for a minute and tries to ignore the feeling of nausea already rising in his throat.

He drops his bag and flops into his chair. Ryan immediately turns to him, eyes wide, and takes off his headphones. His eyes are red, and he looks as pale as ever.

« Hey. » He says. He looks a bit surprised, and also like he’s dying to talk to Shane.

« Hey. » Shane answers, turning his laptop on.

« I thought you didn’t want to see me. »

Shane turns to him. Ryan looks a bit hurt and also very sorry. There’s something gut-wrenching in his eyes, as though he’s bracing himself for whatever is going to come out of Shane’s mouth next. Shane realizes Ryan is expecting him to push him away, much like he did yesterday. 

Shane looks back to his computer screen. « I won’t let your ugly mug be the only thing standing between me and my paycheck. » He says.

Ryan doesn’t answer, and when Shane turns back to him he still has the same expression on his face. It’s true that Shane was a little harsh, just then.

He smiles a little, and he hopes it looks convincing because it feels very wrong. « Dude, you’re really nailing your ‘deer caught in headlights’ face, today. »

Ryan stays silent for a few excruciating seconds and then laughs. Shane can’t help but feel relieved. It sounds incredibly good.

« Oh, » Ryan says, grinning widely and turning back to his work.

Shane frowns. « What? »

Ryan beams at him, so brightly Shane wonders for a second if it’s possible to get blinded by a simple smile.

« Good ol’ Shane is back! Can’t say I missed him. »

Shane gulps. It’s definitely something the old Ryan would have said.

-

It turns out that trying to find out the truth without raising Ryan’s suspicions while also remaining friendly is easier said than done. It’s already a difficult task in itself, but it would be way less challenging if Shane wasn’t feeling like he was slowly losing his sanity.

What he’s doing is downright fucked up, and he knew so the first day he set foot in the office again and joked with Ryan like he wasn’t sure it wasn’t his friend. His strategy was to act like nothing happened, to joke around and go back to working together like they did before, wait for Ryan to make a mistake and unveil the truth along the way, but the more time he spends with him, the more he starts to feel like something is wrong. 

He doesn’t notices it at first, because he’s too in his own head, and he’s trying to ease himself into the idea of being around Ryan again, but he catches himself starting to forget. He loses himself when he’s with Ryan, loses himself in the jokes, the smiles, the banter. 

One night, as they’re packing up their stuff to go home, Ryan grabs him by the elbow and grins at him.

« Dude, it’s Thursday! It’s pizza night! » He says, looking excited.

Shane blinks a few times. « Oh, shit. How could I forget? » He smiles and Ryan laughs at him.

« Let’s go to your place, mine is a mess. » Ryan says.

Shane smirks. « Your place is always messy. If I wasn’t used to it I probably wouldn’t be your friend. »

« True. But we’re still going to yours. »

It isn’t until Shane is alone in his apartment, waiting for Ryan to arrive with the pizzas, that it hits him that the way Ryan immediately suggested they go to Shane’s place was pretty fishy. Or he’s reading too much into it.

Either way, he doesn’t have time to dwell on it much before he hears Ryan ringing at his door. He beams up at his friend when Shane opens the door, and the taller man feels something stir in his stomach. Shane thinks Ryan looks a bit tired these days, but at the same time, he’s looking more radiant as ever. He always has, in a way, but not like this, not as much.

He takes the pizzas from Ryan’s hands and invites him inside. « Make yourself at home, man. » 

Ryan enters and takes off his shoes. « Thanks. By the way, they didn’t have any pizza with pepper on it. The usual place I go to was closed, I had to change. » He says.

« It’s okay, don’t worry about it. » Shane answers, setting the pizzas on the coffee table. « You want a beer? »

« Hell, yeah, » Ryan flops down on the couch. « Hey, didn’t a new season of Westworld just come out? »

« Yep! » Shane answers from the kitchen, two beers in hand.

« Wanna watch that? »

Shane sits down on the couch and frowns at Ryan. « Dude. You haven’t seen the first season, you won’t understand any of it. »

Ryan shrugs. « It’s okay. I know you were pretty excited for it to come out, and I want to watch it too, now. Besides, » he winks at Shane, « you can just explain it to me as we watch it. »

Shane groans. « Ugh, fine, if you want. But seriously, don’t blame it on me if you don’t understand what’s going on. I love this show and I’m like… almost always lost when I’m watching it. »

Ryan rolls his eyes and chuckles. « Okay, big guy. »

« I’m not joking, Ryan. I know you love to blame everything that went wrong in your life on me, but this time I’m not having any of it. » Shane says.

« You secretly love it. » 

« Maybe, but that’s my problem and absolutely none of your business. » Shane huffs, and Ryan wheezes.

Shane thinks it’s frightening how much Ryan knows him. Or how much he knows Ryan. It’s the same, either way.

It’s only when he’s alone that he realizes that all he’s doing when they are together is pretend nothing happened. He’s not even pretending, he thinks, it just completely escapes his mind. It’s like he’s back with the old Ryan, the one he knows, and trusts. And it’s only after, when he’s on his own, that it truly hits him. It’s like his brain is slowly convincing itself that the whole event at the Thornton house was nothing but a horrific dream. 

And Shane starts to doubt too, because he remembers seeing Ryan’s body, he remembers walking in the room and feeling afraid, and desperate and miserable, he remembers shouting and crying and feeling so numb from pain he spent the rest of the night completely in a daze at the police station. But spending so much time with Ryan like he did before is fucking with his head. It’s like trying to prove true two opposing theories at the same time, and it’s starting to make him feel increasingly uncomfortable, because either his brain made him hallucinate Ryan dying in a horribly violent way, and that’s pretty fucked up, either there’s something much more sinister going on and he’s afraid to find out what. Whichever it is, both are horrifying.

He dreams he’s back at the Thornton house again. It’s nothing like the one he had a few days ago, filled with sunlight and Ryan’s presence. It’s a darker and much more terrifying reenactment of him finding Ryan’s body over and over again, and each time he thinks that he can make it in time, save him from death, or at least catch the thing responsible for it. But he’s always too late, too slow, he never makes it on time and he always end up clutching Ryan’s limp body against his chest, his blood slowly tainting Shane’s shirt red.

He wakes up screaming Ryan’s name in the middle of the night, panting, shivering and covered in sweat. He doesn’t go back to sleep that night.

-

The next morning, Ryan teases him about his bloodshot eyes and the way his hair is sticking up in every direction, and he doesn’t even find the strength to answer.

He sits at his desk and sighs. 

« Man, » Ryan says, « didn’t have your coffee yet? »

He sounds way too cheerful and it’s genuinely annoying.

« No. » Shane grumbles. « Didn’t have time. »

« Say no more. » Ryan answers, standing up and walking away, touching Shane’s shoulder as he slips behind him. Shane flinches at the touch. « Woah, dude. You’re jumpy, today. »

Shane collapses on his desk, face buried in his arms. He’s exhausted.

After a little while, he hears Ryan coming back and sitting down at his desk. There’s the smell of coffee lingering in the air. Shane raises his head and there’s a steaming mug just in front of him. He turns his head to thank Ryan but he’s already back to work, headphones on his ears.

He takes a sip of his coffee and burns his tongue.

-

Turns out the dream wasn’t a one-time occurrence. It happens a second time, and a third, and when he finds himself waking up screaming in fear for the fifth night in a row he’s feeling so creeped out that he decides to call Sara in the middle of the night. His hands are shaking so much it takes him ridiculously long to find her in his long list of contacts, and he almost calls his grandfather in the process.

She takes a long time to answer but eventually she does, voice hoarse from sleep. « Shane, what’s going on? »

« I’m sorry, Sara, I… I can’t sleep. I just— I need to talk to someone. I need to feel less crazy. »

« What? »

He pinches his eyes shut. « So. How are you? »

There’s a few seconds of silence during which Shane can only hear his heart hammering against his chest. « Shane. Are you okay? »

« Yeah, yeah, sure, but… Please, Sara, talk to me. Tell me about your day, anything. » He inhales shakily. Somehow it doesn’t seem to reach his lungs.

He can hear Sara sigh. « Is it— Is there any chance this is about Ryan? »

He bites his lips so hard he tastes blood. « It is, but I’m— Sara I need you to talk to me, please, tell me anything, I… I’m two seconds away from having a panic attack over here. »

She doesn’t answer right away then laughs into the phone. « You’ll never guess what I was just dreaming about. »

He feels relief flood in his chest. « No, » he answers, chuckling, « what was it? »

He lets Sara distract her from the nightmare, and when he hangs up almost half an hour later, he feels a lot better. There’s still a weird heaviness pressing on his chest, so he gets up, turns the TV on and puts on the lightest movie he can find on Netflix. He’s not really paying attention to it, his mind is elsewhere, but it’s still better than facing his demons alone in the darkness of his bedroom.

-

At the office, a few hours later, he’s greeted by Zach throwing confetti at him.

« It’s my birthday, today! » He’s almost yelling.

Shane runs his hand through his hair, assessing the damage, and he laughs lightly. « Oh. Happy birthday, then. »

Zach beams at him. « Thanks, man. » He narrows his eyes. « Did you have a date last night, or something? »

Shane eyebrows shoot up. « A date? Uhhh, no. » A date with nightmares, maybe, he thinks bitterly.

Zach smirks. « Really? You look like you didn’t get much sleep last night. »

Oh, that’s what it is. « Yeah, just a regular night binge-watching Netflix to forget about deadlines. You know, the usual. »

Zach laughs. « Alright, alright, I get it. But make sure to get some sleep tonight, cause you really look like you need it. »

Shane doesn’t have time to answer before Zach takes off, to put more confetti into more people’s hair, presumably.

He knows he looks like shit, but that’s nothing compared to the way he feels. He walks to his desk, dragging his feet, and as always Ryan is already there.

As soon as he hears Shane arriving, Ryan unglues his face from his computer screen and smiles at him. Shane feels his mouth go dry.

« Man, have I got some good news for you. » He says.

Shane sits down and smile. « Is it about Kobe? Because you know I don’t care for that kind of thing. »

Ryan rolls his eyes. « Stop blatantly disrespecting Kobe and no, that’s not it. » He stares at Shane expectantly, but the taller man is not the mood to guess anything right now, so he just shrugs. « God, you’re no fun. » Ryan answers. He turns back to his laptop. « I finally heard back from the owner of this mansion I’ve been telling you about forever. The one haunted by a demon. »

Shane feels cold all of a sudden, and he wishes he could pause time to shut Ryan up.

« They’re letting us film there, and also spend the night. »

Shane closes his eyes. Ryan is still talking, but all he hears is a shrill ringing that’s beginning to turn into a headache.

He cannot do this, he thinks. Not again, not so soon. Maybe not ever, actually. 

He feels someone grabbing his arm and he remembers that Ryan is still talking. He meets his eyes.

« Something wrong? You don’t look good, dude. » Ryan says.

Shane is aware. He’s on the verge of throwing up.

« No, I— You know, just tired. » He tries to smile.

« Really? You can just go home if you want. The shoot is at the end of the week, so if you need to take some time off, you should do it now. »

The end of the week. Great. « No, it’s okay. I’ll just go to bed early tonight. »

Ryan smiles, and it’s so warm it makes Shane feel a little better. « Okay. But seriously dude, tell me if there’s anything wrong. »

Shane bites his lip. « Yeah, sure. »

Ryan is still staring at him, and weirdly it’s making Shane too hot and shiver at the same time. He turns his laptop on and pretends to be busy for a while, but he can still see his friend glancing at him from time to time, so he gets up, fabricates a lie about how he was supposed to help an intern with a video today, and leaves.

He goes into the first empty room he finds and flops down on a chair.

He’s not ready for this. Not when he’s still battling with his mind to try to understand what’s happening to him, not when he’s been reliving Ryan’s death dozens of times every night for almost a week, and not when he’s still unable to trust his friend because he saw him _dead_ in the last filming location they went to.

He feels his head spinning. What if the same thing happens? What if Ryan dies again, only to come back a few days later, happy and alive, and deny anything ever happened? It’ll kill him, he thinks. He won’t survive, if he even makes it through the shooting. He’ll spend the night worrying about Ryan and he probably won’t be able to sleep or even close his eyes. Even the idea of seeing his friend freak out and spend the whole night afraid and staring into the dark corners of the house looking for proof of the supernatural is unbearable.

He doesn’t hear Jen approaching until she puts an arm on his shoulder. He flinches.

« Oh! It’s you. » He says. He tries to laugh but it comes out shaky. 

Jen sits down next to him. She looks worried. « Hey, Shane. What’s the matter? »

He smiles weakly. « Oh, just stressed, you know. » 

She nods, pursing her lips. « You look like you haven’t been sleeping a lot. Seriously, is everything okay? »

« I’ve been working a lot lately, you know, and… » He catches his voice trembling and he mentally curses himself for it. He used to be good at lying. He can feel Jen’s hand rubbing his back.

« Does it have anything to do with what happened to Ryan? »

He starts to panic. « Did Sara or TJ tell you anything? »

She frowns and shake her head. « No. Why? »

He exhales in relief and puts his head in his hands. « No reason. »

« Shane. »

He looks at her again and she looks genuinely concerned. He laughs, but it sounds bitter. « Everything’s fine, just feels like I’m losing my mind, is all. »

She smiles softly. « That’s— I wouldn’t call that fine. »

They lock eyes for a moment and Shane feels a little better for it.

« You know you can tell me anything, right? » She says.

He nods. « Yeah, I know. Don’t worry. »

« And… Ryan probably feels the same way. He wants to help you. »

Shane feels the knot in his throat tightening. « Yeah. Probably. » He croaks out.

« Seriously, Shane. Everybody is worried about you. »

Okay. Great job Jen on making him feel even shittier.

He takes a deep breath and looks at her. « I’m just— I’m tired of talking about it. It’s going to get better. »

She doesn’t look convinced, but at least she drops the subject.

« We’re going out for drinks for Zach’s birthday after work. Wanna come? » She smiles. « Forget your troubles, just get wasted with us! »

He accepts, because suddenly getting excessively drunk seems like a wonderful idea.

-

Which is how he finds himself standing up against the counter in a dimly lit bar, third beer in hand. He’s thinking about ordering shots next, because the plan was to get monumentally wasted, but he feels a little sad about downing shots on his own, and right now he really, _really_ wants to be alone.

It’s probably the mix of exhaustion and alcohol acting up, but Shane finds himself completely captivated by the sight of Ryan under the low lights of the bar. There’s a lamp shining brightly just above him casting a soft red hue on his face, and he looks almost too ethereal to be true. He’s joking with Steven and Eugene, a few feet from Shane who had preferred to stay at the bar and watch from afar, still unnerved by what Ryan told him this morning. He catches himself staring and looks away. He feels a light pressure on his arm. 

« Hey, lonesome cowboy. » Sara is smiling up at him.

He gives her a little smile and takes a sip of his drink.

« You okay? » She asks.

Shane thinks he might have to walk around with a sign on his shirt telling people to stop asking him if he’s okay. He’s not good at pretending.

« Uh, yeah, peachy. You? » He cannot even bring himself to smile at her.

« You should talk to him, you know. » She says, pointing at Ryan with her chin.

Shane’s mouth tastes bitter. « And tell him what? Hey Ryan, I was convinced you were dead up until a week ago and now being with you is completely fucking me up! » He exhales. « He doesn’t have to know. »

« But doing nothing about it isn’t going to solve anything! » 

Shane stays silent, staring into his now empty glass. Now he really wishes he had ordered something stronger, he wasn’t prepared for this discussion.

« We have a shooting at a haunted location at the end of the week. » He blurts out.

« What? »

« I don’t know how we’ll be able to make it. I don’t know if I can stand it. » He’s almost whispering but by the look on Sara’s face she probably hears him anyway. She squeezes his arm.

« I’m sure it’ll be okay. You guys have been doing it forever. It’ll be like coming home. »

Shane swallows a sarcastic reply and looks back to where their friends are. Suddenly Ryan erupts in laughter, so loud that it reverberates over the music, and Shane actually cringes. It’s making something stir in his stomach, and it’s painful and needless and Shane may repeat over and over in his mind that this is not the real Ryan, the feeling remains. He inhales shakily and before he realizes he’s staring again, Ryan turns his head, catches his eyes, and gives the most heartfelt smile Shane has ever seen.

Suddenly, his heart starts racing in his chest. He feels light-headed for a minute, blinks a few times before he’s able to recover from the moment, and then he’s hit with the realization that denying his feelings for Ryan any longer isn’t going to be possible anymore. They are here, they exist, they are more present and obvious every day and if he keeps ignoring them soon enough he will become an empty shell of a man. But the worst of it all, he thinks, is that it’s this ersatz of Ryan who’s the one to shine a light on them.

He wants to laugh but all that comes out of his mouth is a sob, and he leans down, elbows on the bar, covering his face with his hands.

« Fuck. » He croaks out.

« Shane, » Sara says, but he bats her hand away.

« I’m sorry Sara, I— I think I need to be alone for a minute. »

He hears her sigh. « Okay. I’ll be over there with the others, if you need me. »

As soon as she’s gone he regrets his words, because now there’s nothing preventing him for having a full-on breakdown. He tries to empty his mind, drain it of all thoughts of Ryan, or of all thoughts altogether, but the turmoil in his guts is so raw he might as well be up against a tornado. He realizes he needs to get out of here, go take a walk, or a drive, go back home and to neutral and mindless places. There’s a pressure on his arm again.

He raises his head. « Sara, I told you, I— »

But it’s Ryan looking up at him, eyes hopeful and cheerful and impossibly genuine. As soon as he catches Shane’s gaze though, he frowns.

« Hey man, you alright? You look white as a sheet. »

He’s unable to answer, because Ryan is too close and Shane can smell him, smell his cologne, and booze, and a hint of coffee and sweat, and the scent that’s so inexplicably Ryan that Shane feels completely flustered. He knows he has to lie. Answer ‘Yes Ryan, I’m fine, geez, stop worrying about me, I know I can’t hold my liquor but must you act like a mother hen all the time?’ but he’s stuck, frozen in place. An ‘I love you’ almost escapes his lips. He’s completely infatuated and he cannot even call that ‘having feelings for him’ anymore. It would be an unbearable understatement, and this Ryan doesn’t deserve to know anyway.

Ryan’s hand is still on his arm and he feels trapped, so he lowers his eyes, mutters an ‘I got to go’ and flees before anyone can hold him back.

Outside, the air feels fresh against his face, and after a few minutes of walking in the night he realizes he’s crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> third chapter! we're almost there!!

The end of the week comes, and the whole trip to the mansion is an actual nightmare. Shane is dreading the shoot the whole time, and he’s unable to look Ryan in the eyes whenever he talks to him. He falls asleep on the plane and luckily his sleep is not plagued by nightmares but when he wakes up he feels faint, and as he stands up when they’ve landed his knees feel wobbly. He actually stumbles when they’re exiting the plane, and Ryan steadies him, putting his hands on Shane’s waist.

« Look out, man. »

Shane tries to laugh but he sounds nervous. Ryan shoots him a confused look but doesn’t press him on it. TJ looks worried, too.

« Hey Shane, you gonna be okay filming tonight? You still look tired. » He asks.

Damn TJ and his thoughtfulness. Shane shakes his head. « It’ll be okay, don’t worry. »

They rent a car to drive all the way to the mansion, which is a bit far away from the city.

The house is isolated along a small road. It’s huge, and there’s a big garden up front, completely surrounded by the forest. Just looking at it is enough to give Shane goosebumps.

As they get out of the car, Ryan laughs next to him. He sounds nervous. « Uh. This is… Definitely something. »

Shane shoots him an amused look, and he feels heat on his cheeks when Ryan smiles up at him.

« Uh, yeah, that’s for sure. » Shane mutters.

« So, big guy… Ready to catch some footage of a demon? »

Shane sighs. « More like ready to yell into the void. »

Ryan wheezes and touches his arm. « Come on, let’s do this. »

Shane watches him walk towards the house, strangely assured, and follows him.

-

The shooting turns out being definitely not okay. As expected, they find nothing, but the more the night approaches, the more nervous Shane gets. TJ keeps shooting him concerned looks, and he keeps ignoring them.

He goes first for the lock-in, and he yells at the demon for five minutes straight. It’s almost therapeutic. As he gets out, he feels much better. Ryan smiles anxiously at him.

« You were in there for an awfully long time. » He says.

Shane hums. « Had to make my threats convincing, I don’t want the demon to hurt you while you’re in there. »

« Aww, that’s sweet, our viewers will like that. » Ryan says, as he enters the room. 

Shane thinks he can see Ryan’s fingers trembling slightly. « Honestly Ryan, there’s nothing to fear. I already established myself as the alpha in there. » 

Ryan laughs as he closes the door.

Shane immediately wants to stick his ear to the door, and make sure nothing happens to him. He tries to distract himself, to think of something else. He can hear Ryan’s voice inside, even when it’s covered by the spirit box. It’s reassuring.

After a while, TJ starts to frown and checks his watch. He looks at Shane. « Hey, he’s been in there a long time. »

Shane immediately straightens up. « Really? How long? »

« About, uhhh, seven minutes, I’d say. » TJ answers.

Shane starts to panic. He can’t hear Ryan’s voice anymore. He knocks on the door. « Ryan? You okay? »

Nobody answers him, but the spirit box stops. Ryan opens the door abruptly.

« You guys, I think I got the clearest recording on the spirit box ever! » He’s grinning from ear to ear.

Shane blinks at him. Ryan doesn’t look scared in the slightest. « You, uh, you were in there for a long time. » Shane says.

« Was I? »

« Yeah, for seven minutes. » 

Ryan looks at him, eyes wide open. « Shit. Guess I am getting braver after all. Anyway, the voice I heard, you won’t believe how audible it is, Shane. Prepare yourself, I think it’s finally time to join the Boogaras. »

Shane laughs. « I’m already bracing myself for a disappointment. »

And at this, Ryan looks at him, a huge smile on his face and such a playful glint in his eyes that Shane can’t breathe for an instant. He’s suddenly reminded of what Sara told him several days ago, at the bar, and he realizes she was right, this does feel like coming home. He’s feeling nervous and scared, because of his feelings for his friend, because of the Thornton house, but right now, as he’s bickering and laughing with Ryan, it’s as if they’ve travelled back in time. It makes Shane feel warm all over.

It’s truly like Ryan never left, he thinks.

He doesn’t know if it’s because they’re back in a supposedly haunted house filming, or if it’s the nervousness, or the exhaustion, or just the way Ryan can’t seem to stop smiling at him, but suddenly, Shane feels the stupidest he has ever felt. The man he has of in front of him was never anyone else but the Ryan he knows. Just looking at him, he has no doubts anymore. It’s like somebody just poured a bucket of ice water on his head. 

Ryan frowns at him. « Man, you’re looking completely dazed. Did the demon do something to you while you were in there? »

Shane smiles softly. He feels completely flustered and he’s coming up short on anything even remotely funny to answer so he shuts his mouth.

« You’re being weird, today. I mean, you’re weird all the time, but still. » Ryan says, shaking his head.

Shane feels something blossoming in his stomach. Happiness, probably, or something really, really close to it. It’s weird, because he’s still on edge and the two emotions are blending inside of him, and they shouldn’t. They’re nothing alike, and Shane feels a little bit torn apart.

To his dismay, they realize shortly after that it’s late, and they should go to sleep. TJ leaves and they both go upstairs, to set their sleeping bags in one of the bedrooms.

Shane has trouble controlling his apprehensiveness. His heart is racing in his chest, and he’s buzzing with fear.

His earlier realization his making everything worse. Now, he’s _really_ worried. Ryan is here, he’s back, and if anything happened to him again, Shane would probably never forgive himself for it. He already has trouble getting into his head that he wasn’t responsible for the events at the Thornton house. He’s not letting Ryan out of his sight tonight, even if it means he has to stay awake the whole night.

Ryan is already lying in his sleeping bag, and he says nothing when Shane rolls his down much closer to him than he usually does.

Shane sits down to take of his shoes, and it takes him absurdly long to detangle his shoelaces. He can see his friend shooting quick looks at him from the corner of his eye.

He finally slips in his bag and he has never felt more uncomfortable in his whole life. He stares at the ceiling and he wonders how can a ceiling look so ominous. It looks like the wood is rotting and there’s spider webs everywhere. He shudders.

« You okay? » Ryan asks.

Ryan is looking at him, concerned, and Shane’s breath catches in his throat. It’s also probably because they are quite close to each other, closer than Shane ever remembers them to be.

He feels something flutter in his stomach, and against his better judgement, he decides to say the truth. Ryan deserves it. Or maybe he does, for his own sanity, he isn’t sure anymore. The one thing he knows is that he’s tired of lying and pretending.

« I’m never going to be able to sleep. »

Ryan laughs. « What? That’s a first. Are you admitting you were wrong all along? »

« Fuck you, man. That’s not what it is. »

Ryan turns around to face him. « What’s the matter, then? » He asks.

Shane breathes in. If he holds it in any longer his heart is going to explode. 

« I’m scared for you. »

There’s a few beats of silence. « What? » Ryan frowns and shakes his head fondly. « You know I always freak out at these places. I’m used to it. »

Shane sighs. Of course Ryan would pretend not to understand. « That’s not it. » He turns to look at him. Seeing Shane look so serious, his friend’s smile fades immediately and his brow furrows lightly. « I still don’t understand what happened at the Thornton house and I can’t help but feel like it’s gonna happen again. »

Ryan opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out of it.

Shane turns back in his sleeping bag, staring at the ceiling. He hates this creepy ceiling. He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands. « I cannot take this anymore, Ryan. »

« I thought… I thought you felt better. » Ryan says, softly.

Shane exhales loudly. « Of course I don’t. The more time passes the more I feel like something’s wrong with me. »

He feels Ryan shuffling closer to him. « There isn’t. You were upset, and anxious, and… I don’t know, it was a stressful place. »

« I don’t fucking buy it. »

This, right here, feels like the point of no return.

Ryan is so close to him now Shane can feel the heat radiating off of him, and his scent is so present and genuine Shane is wondering how he ever thought that this Ryan couldn’t be the real one. Everything about him is true. To his voice, to his eyes, to the way his skin looks in the sun, and to the way he speaks. He has the real Ryan in front of him, the one he wants to see smile and laugh and live, the one he wants to hold and kiss, the one he loves so much it makes him want to rip his heart out of his chest for the whole night at the Thornton house to never have happened.

And, he thinks, that’s what makes the situation even more intolerable. Not knowing is eating him alive. Ryan probably suffered horribly and he literally died that night, and Shane did nothing. While in the next room, he left his friend to die while he slept soundly. 

Ryan must see that Shane is mentally torturing himself, because he reaches out to him and puts the palm of his hand on Shane’s chest. He’s on his elbows, hovering over Shane.

« Hey. Calm down. »

Shane doesn’t answer. He brings his hand up to Ryan’s cheek and grazes his knuckles softly against it. He never touched Ryan like this before and he wishes he had, when everything was all jokes and smiles between them. Now this moment is tainted with death. He thinks he shouldn’t make his feelings so obvious, but how could he resist doing so when the real Ryan has been right under his nose all along and he could have touched him like this the whole time?

Ryan’s hand move up to rest on the side of Shane’s neck. « Shane, » he whispers.

Shane feels overwhelmed. Ryan’s face is so close to his. There’s a chorus of ‘I love him, I love him, I love him’ repeating in his head. ‘I love him and he’s real and he’s here.’ And he suddenly thinks that maybe this is how he’s going to make Ryan tell him the truth. If he confesses his feelings, maybe Ryan will feel inclined to share his secrets too. It’s far fetched and he’s not thinking straight anymore anyway, but the second he starts considering it he’s a goner, because he’s unable to focus his thoughts on anything else. Maybe Ryan will take pity on him and realize it’s too cruel to leave him unknowing. He hopes so more than anything in the world.

He looks into Ryan’s eyes. « I love you. » he blurts out.

He doesn’t realize Ryan had been caressing the skin under his jaw until he stops, seemingly startled by the revelation.

« What? »

Shane shifts his gaze to where his hand is resting against Ryan’s cheekbone and he thinks maybe he should retrieve it. So he does. But Ryan doesn’t move.

« You heard me. » Shane whispers. There’s no way he can gather up the courage to say it again.

Ryan’s hand feels heavy on his neck.

« Why didn’t you tell me before? »

Shane gulps. « I was afraid to. And then you died, and I had other things to think about. »

Ryan frowns. « I didn’t die. »

« You did. »

Ryan shakes his head. There’s a soft smile on his lips, and joy in his eyes. « Oh my god, Shane. »

They fall silent for a bit, and Shane cannot avert his eyes from Ryan’s. He takes a deep breath. « You have to tell me, now. »

Ryan frowns again. « Tell you what? »

« You know what. »

Ryan considers him for a moment. He’s almost smiling and Shane thinks he sees something playful in his eyes. He really cannot understand why, because he himself currently feels like his heart is about to shatter.

« Actually, there is something I’ve been dying to tell you. » Ryan says, and before Shane can press him on the matter Ryan puts his hand on Shane’s cheek and presses their lips together.

It’s soft and gentle and Shane cannot think of anything because his brain is too busy short-circuiting. However, his body seems to move on his own, and he lifts his arms and puts them around Ryan’s neck, bringing him closer to him. Their chest are touching through their T-shirts and it seems like too much and too little at the same time.

When he starts kissing back, Ryan makes a small noise in the back of his throat and tilts his head to deepen the kiss. Shane feels so dizzy with want, his whole body is trembling.

There’s a strange weight settling against his stomach, and at first he thinks nothing of it, because he’s so lost in Ryan’s touch he can only register the parts of his body where they’re meeting. But after a few seconds it starts burning hot against his skin, and he jumps forward, knocking his head against Ryan’s. He rubs at this stomach, hissing in pain.

« What the fuck was that? »

His eyes settle on a pendant around Ryan’s neck. There’s a white stone at the end of it, and Shane thinks he sees smoke emitting from it. 

« Oh, shit. » Ryan starts fiddling with it. He grabs it fully and raises it in front of him, and Shane cannot believe his eyes because that thing just burned him and he’s pretty sure it’s going to leave a scar. « Did this hurt you? »

Shane opens his mouth to answer but his mind completely fills out, and fear washes over him as he notices something moving out of the corner of his eye. He turns his head towards it and he feels something drop in his stomach. There’s a figure, standing in the corner of the room just behind Ryan, staring at them.

He grabs Ryan’s arm and squeezes it. « Ryan. » He whispers.

The younger man slowly turns his head around, noticing Shane’s distress.

« Oh, there you are. » He simply says.

Shane feels like he’s dreaming. There’s something standing in the corner of their room and Ryan is greeting it as if he was awaiting it. He doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t even yelp, nothing. He’s still sitting on top of Shane, as if they were merely interrupted by a strange noise and are about to go back to what they were doing a minute ago. This all feels pretty unnerving and also quite ridiculous.

There’s a few seconds of silence and Shane feels like he’s about to have a heart attack. The creature looks anything but human, and he thinks he has never seen anything so terrifying. It’s standing on its hind legs but completely hunched over on itself, almost animal-like. Its body is pitch-black and seems to blend in the darkness of the room, but Shane can fully make out its eyes, piercing red and looking so predatory that he starts to shake. He can’t see Ryan’s face but he can see the figure watching them, and the sinking feeling in his stomach is starting to make him nauseous. He raises his hand to Ryan’s arm.

« Ryan, » he whispers, « wha— »

He’s interrupted by the creature lowly growling at them. Shane feels a shiver running up his spine. Ryan still hasn’t moved.

The figure moves then, and goes to take a step towards them. Ryan is up in an instant, putting himself between the creature and Shane.

« What do you think you’re doing? » He says.

The figure open its mouth and it’s a sight Shane wishes he could erase from his memory. It laughs, mouth wide open, and it’s terrifying. « Oh. Well, » the creature says, eyes shifting between the two of them, « I think you know. »

« You’re awfully cocky, aren’t you? » Ryan answers.

Shane’s ears are throbbing. He suddenly realizes he’s still sitting on the floor, and it’s probably not the safest option when something definitely not of this world is looking at you as if you were a delicious peace of meat. He springs up and almost trips because his knees are two seconds away from giving out.

Ryan turns his head to look at him. « You okay? » He’s looking so calm and collected that it leaves Shane speechless, until he realizes it’s probably not a good idea for Ryan to turn his back to the creature.

« Ryan, don’t— »

Ryan barely has time to turn his head again before the figure is on him, but as soon as it touches him, it’s sent flying backwards against the room. It crashes against the wall, screaming in frustration. Ryan doesn’t move.

« You know what you’re up against, so don’t put up a fight. » He says.

Shane can feel his blood run cold in his veins. He reaches out to Ryan, putting a hand on his shoulder. Ryan turns to him. « Hey, stay behind me, I promise this won’t be long. »

The creature growls again, showing white pointy teeth through lips that could almost look human. The growl turns into a laugh and it makes Shane shudder. « Do you miss death, boy? You seem eager to find it again. »

Shane feels a whole new level of desperation flooding his chest, because the creature is now threatening Ryan, and fuck, Shane _just_ got him back. This cannot happen again, not right now, not ever.

« Ryan. Ryan. Maybe you should stop taunting it. Just. Just stop. »

Ryan doesn’t even turn to look at him but extends a hand behind him, towards Shane. Shane doesn’t know if it’s a silent plea for him to shut up and stay put or an invitation to take his hand so he doesn’t move. After a few beats, Ryan spreads his fingers and Shane grabs his hand, immediately getting the cue. As soon as he does, he feels an incredible warmth filling him, settling everywhere in his body, and it feels a lot like slipping under the heavy covers of a comfy bed after a long day of work, except he’s standing up in a haunted house in front of the most horrendous being he’s ever seen. He gawks at Ryan’s hand.

The creature laughs again. « Such a pity I have to kill you. If I wasn’t feeling so murderous tonight, maybe I would be endeared. » Shane watches in horror as the creature lifts a hand, palm up in the air, and what looks like an enormous shard of glass comes out of its hand. Its eyes narrows and the grin on its face is terrifying. « Feels familiar, doesn’t it? » A cackle comes out of its mouth.

Ryan doesn’t answer, and Shane starts to panic again. « Ryan. » He whispers. He can feel his friend’s hand tightening around his own.

« It’s too late for you anyway. » Ryan finally answers.

The creature suddenly lifts its arms over his head, shard in hand, and jumps as to attack them. Shane flinches and closes his eyes, bracing himself for the impact. He thinks he can hear Ryan’s voice but he cannot make out the words. The hit never comes, and he hears an abominable shriek and has to release Ryan’s hand to cover his ears. 

When he opens his eyes, the creature is writhing on the floor as in immense pain, and Ryan is standing over it, talking as if in a trance, the pendant around his neck glowing faintly in the obscurity.

The creature screeches again, louder and even more horrific than before, and Shane finds himself helplessly staring as flames start to consume its body. He stays frozen a few seconds until he notices that Ryan is standing dangerously close to the fire. He runs to him to move him away but Ryan raises his hand, silently telling him to stay still.

On the floor, the figure stops screaming and lets out a low whimper before falling completely silent. Shane thinks he can smell burnt flesh, and he feels nauseous at the sight of the creature slowly turning into dust. Ryan is silent too now.

After a little while, the flames slowly recede and disappear completely, and the only thing left on the floor is a little pile of ash. Ryan takes a bit of it in his hand and lets it fall down between his fingers. He lets out a small chuckle. « Demons, man. »

Shane is still panting in the corner of the room and he suddenly feels like grabbing Ryan by the collar of his shirt and shake some sense into him.

« What the fuck did you just say? » His voice sounds way too high-pitched.

Ryan turns to him, smile fading away. « Shane, are you alright? »

Shane runs his hands through his hair. Fuck no, he isn’t. « What just happened? »

Ryan stands up and walks up to him, but Shane takes a step back and raises his arms defensively. 

« Ryan. »

« I— I killed it. It’s dead. I’m so sorry you had to see that… I had to stall it a bit, otherwise the incantation alone wouldn’t have been enough to kill it. »

Shane blinks a few times. « You— » He’s searching for anything even remotely relevant to say to Ryan right now but his brain is refusing to cooperate. « You… You had to stall it? » His voice sounds intolerably shrill.

Ryan nods slightly. « Yeah. Demons tend to weaken when I’m near them. »

« Demons?! So that’s what it was? » He tugs on his hair and he must be looking completely ridiculous but what the actual fuck?

Ryan doesn’t answer.

Suddenly, Shane feels like he can’t breathe. The room, the house, the whole place is suffocating him and he needs to leave, immediately. He goes to gather his things.

« I’m not staying here a minute longer. Fuck this place. »

He practically runs out of the house, carrying three bags at the same time. He crosses the front garden and drops his bags in front of the rented car, and he realizes that Ryan is the one that has the keys. 

He turns around and he sees his friend walking towards him. He has to squint his eyes to make out his shape in the darkness, and with the mansion and the huge trees looming behind him, it looks a like a scene straight out of a horror movie. Shane is half expecting the creature to jump out of the woods, or to sneak up on Ryan and kill him while he’s not paying attention. He shudders. 

« Would you— Fuck— Would you open the car? » He yells at Ryan, who’s still a few feet away from him.

Ryan stays silent until he’s reached Shane. « Shane. It’s gone. We’re safe, now. »

He doesn’t move to open the car. « I don’t— Fuck, how can you say that? I don’t get— I don’t even know if I can trust you right now! » Shane is panting again.

Ryan looks hurt. « I promise you, you have nothing to fear from me. »

« How the fuck would I know?! »

« Because— Fuck, it’s me, Shane! How could I _ever_ hurt you?! »

And it’s true. It is Ryan. It took Shane ridiculously long to figure it out, but as crazy as it sounds he feels he can trust him now, the same way he trusted him before. Their eyes lock for a long time, and weirdly enough it’s quite grounding, soothing, even. It reminds Shane of all these times they used a ouija board and felt stupid for it afterwards. 

He has to take a chance, he thinks. This is where he takes a risk, lets Ryan take the lead, and, if he’s lucky, he’ll be rewarded with the truth.

« Just— Fuck, let’s just go. »

In the car, they both stay silent for a long time before the absurdity of the situation gets to him and he’s feeling so antsy he has to do something about it.

« Ryan, seriously. Can you just tell me what happened? » 

His eyes still fixed on the road, the smaller man looks uncomfortable. He’s biting his lips and his knuckles are white as a sheet on the steering wheel.

« Ryan. » Shane pleads. 

Ryan exhales. « Don’t— We cannot do this right now. »

Shane looks at him. « It has to do with why you disappeared, right? » he whispers.

Ryan glances at him, then looks back to the road. He lets out a dry laugh. « Nothing gets past you, uh? You and your detective mind. »

Shane is beginning to feel anger rise up in his chest. « Ryan. »

« Shit, I promise I’ll tell you, man. » 

« Do it now. »

Ryan looks at him quickly. « I cannot. Not right now. I’ll do it as soon as we’re home but I cannot do it here in the car. You’ll just, » he gives Shane another look and grimaces slightly, « It won’t be easy and you’ll probably want to be alone after. » 

This sentence alone is enough to make Shane shudder. So he waits, because he knows it won’t be pleasant, and at least right now he can enjoy his ignorance. But he sees that Ryan looks upset, and he knows it won’t be easy for him either, so he reaches out to him slowly, as to let him retreat away from the touch if he wants to, and he puts his hand on Ryan’s knee.

Ryan shoots him another look, a small questioning smile on his face, and then focuses on the road.

-

Somewhere between the flight and the drive back home from the airport, they decide to go to Ryan’s place. TJ is eyeing them the whole trip, picking up on the weird atmosphere between the two of them.

When they arrive at Los Angeles, rain is pouring heavily on the pavement and everything feels gloomy, and Shane thinks it’s almost comically fitting. They walk to Ryan’s car, where they left it the day before.

As they’re about to drop TJ at his place, he looks between the two of them. « Did something happen last night? You guys would have told me, right? » He asks.

Ryan and Shane both look at each other before the younger man turns around to look at their cameraman. « Nah, we’re alright. Just a bit tired, you know how it is. »

TJ looks anything but convinced. He frowns and gives them both one last look before muttering good bye and climbing out of the car.

They wave at him once he’s outside, and when he’s disappeared inside his building, Ryan turns to Shane.

« So. » 

Shane feels trepidation rise in his chest.

« Your place? » He asks, trying and failing to sound casual.

Ryan answers with a simple nod and starts the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter babes!! thank you so much to everyone who commented and left kudos, I cannot tell you how grateful i am :'^)
> 
> now i'm gonna go cry in a corner because this is over and it truly felt like giving birth haha

When they finally arrive, after what feels like an eternity, they toss their bags mindlessly in the entry and Shane follows Ryan in the kitchen.

« Want a drink? » Ryan asks.

Shane is thirsty after the flight, but he’s sick of waiting so he shakes his head. Ryan extends his hand to guide him to the living room.

They shuffle around each other awkwardly, neither of them sitting down. Shane realizes it’s the first time he’s been back here since before the Thornton house. He takes in his surroundings, but nothing’s changed. It’s like nothing ever happened, the only clue to the disastrous events that led to this being the heaviness hanging in the air. The rain pounding on the windows doesn’t help.

Neither of them speak, and the silence is becoming unbearable. 

Shane closes his eyes then opens them again, in an attempt to calm himself. « First things first. You just killed a demon. »

Ryan nods, looking absently at a point behind Shane’s shoulder. « Yes, I did. »

Shane turns away from him, turning to the windows. « Jesus. »

« And… I mean it when I say I’m sorry you had to see that. »

Shane turns back to him. « Well, I’m… I wish I hadn’t, but in a way I don’t. »

Ryan starts pacing the room, absently rubbing at the back of his neck. It’s driving Shane crazy.

« Ryan. You have to tell me, now. It’s going to kill me if you don’t. »

Ryan stops in his tracks. « Alright, alright! Shit man, I was going to, no need to go all dramatic on me. » He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands.

« Just— Do you even hear yourself right now? Just tell me! »

Ryan raises his eyes to look at him. Shane knows how Ryan looks when he’s determined. When he just made the decision to go through whatever it is he’s anxious to do. And this is it, Shane thinks to himself. It feels grounding to be able to recognize it. We’re here, he thinks, we’re here and Ryan is alive, and in a minute all of this will be over, and our lives will get back on track. It’s downright delusional to say the least, but somehow it helps.

« Okay, but first, you have to sit down. » Ryan says.

He feels way too jittery to sit down. « I’m fine standing up. »

« No. Don’t. I won’t say anything if you’re not sitting down. »

Shane sighs, exasperated, but he does. He notices there’s something heavy and solemn in the way Ryan sits down opposite him, and slowly leans forward to rest his elbows on his thighs. He buries his face in his hands again and rubs his eyes a little. He inhales deeply and Shane holds his breath.

« I did die. »

Shane has to swallow a gasp. He knew but, fuck, hearing Ryan say it out loud is making him want to throw up.

Ryan lifts his eyes to look at Shane. He looks physically in pain.

« I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I really couldn’t. » He sighs. His hands are now squeezed around each other in his lap.

Shane has been waiting forever for this moment, but right now he truly feels like dying. His anger has completely vanished and he’s left with something agonizingly close to despair clinging to him. « I’m sorry I let it happen. » He whispers.

Ryan tilts his head at that and he looks so hurt Shane has to fight the urge to get up and wrap him in his arms. « Fuck, Shane, it absolutely wasn’t your fault. »

Shane looks down. « I could have done something. »

« No, you couldn’t have. » Ryan sighs. « Honestly, it all happened so quickly I think even like— if fucking Chuck Norris had been there he couldn’t have done anything for me. » He lets out a shaky laugh. « I was killed. By a demon. »

Shane feels his mouth go completely dry. He’s clenching his fists so hard he thinks he might break his thumbs if he doesn’t stop. He can taste blood in his mouth, from where he’s been biting his lip.

« It wasn’t that painful, actually. It was over in less than a minute, really. » Shane doesn’t believe any of it, but by the look on Ryan’s face it seems he’s currently reliving every second of it, so Shane doesn’t press him on it. Ryan breathes out. « And then something weird happened. It’s like I… detached myself from my body, and I could look at the scene as if I was— just standing next to it. » Ryan says. « It wasn’t that bad actually, I felt quite at peace with myself, considering what just happened. But then… » He hesitates a bit, seemingly reluctant to go on. « I saw you. »

Shane flinches at that and suddenly feels cold.

« I saw you, finding my body, and— I’m so sorry Shane. I wanted to leave, I really did, but it was like I was stuck in this room, where my body was, and… Seeing myself dead on the floor didn’t really bother me, strangely, but seeing you find it and just… » He trails off and inhales shakily. « I tried to talk to you, shit, I yelled at you, I tried to touch you, but… It was like I wasn’t here. It was fucking torture. »

Ryan’s entire face looks strained, and Shane needs to do something. He cannot stand looking at Ryan like this without doing something about it, so he stands up and goes to kneel in front of him, putting his hands around his. Ryan looks so so grateful it makes him want to cry.

« After you left, I stayed up there for so long. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t… interact with anything in the room. Even the demon had gone away. » Ryan gulps. « After a while… Somebody arrived. » He searches Shane’s eyes. « This is going to sound so fucking crazy, but I’m going to need you to believe me, Shane. Really. »

Shane leans down to press a kiss on Ryan’s hands. His best friend came back from the dead and killed a demon in front of him just a few hours ago, so he’s willing to believe anything now, really. « I will. Don’t worry. »

A small smile creeps his way on Ryan’s face and he shifts his gaze before continuing. « At first I thought it was a policeman, someone you had gone to, to get help or something, but as soon as they entered the room they saw me they talked to me, so I knew something wasn’t right. » He closes his eyes briefly. « They looked so gentle and— so fucking pure, I don’t know, I immediately felt peaceful. It was fucking incredible man, I had just been killed, and I was standing next to my literal corpse, and just seeing them… It was so perfect, so serene. »

Shane clears his throat lightly. « Were they… an angel, or something? »

Ryan nods. « Yes. They introduced themselves as Azraël, the Angel of Death, and as crazy as it seems there was something so, I don’t know… genuine about them that I didn’t question it for one minute. » He shakes his head and there’s a fond smile on his face. « I’ll never forget about it. It was truly incredible. »

Shane can feel the corners of his mouth twitching upward. But then Ryan’s smile turns into a frown and he exhales loudly. « Of course, I asked them if they had come to take me away, or something. You know, to the underworld. But they told me that they couldn’t. Because I had been killed by a demon, I could never be dead. At least, not in the usual way. That I would have to become something else, instead. »

« Wh— What? What would you have to become? »

Ryan is smiling but Shane can almost see tears swelling up on his lower lid. « He told me that I would need to become like him, an angel. And that as I became one, I would be indebted to him, and so to repay him, I would have to kill demons. »

Shane feels his breath catch in his throat. He can feel his heart racing in his chest.

« He also told me that I couldn’t go back to my old life. That I would have my body back, and that I could live as a human just like I did before, but that having any interactions with the people I knew before my death would be endangering both to them and me, because of my… occupation. » 

He pauses for a brief moment, shooting a quick look at Shane and then averting his eyes. 

« But… I couldn’t, man. It was so fucking hard. Maybe it would have been easier if I hadn’t seen you that night, but… It was too late, and I told him that no, it was impossible, I had to see you. » He’s crying now, and squeezing Shane’s head so hard it’s starting to hurt. « I couldn’t leave like this, Shane. Couldn’t let you live with you having seen me dead and not knowing what happened. »

Shane lets out a bitter laugh and he feels salt on his tongue. He realizes he’s been crying too. « You were pretty adamant about not telling me, though. »

Ryan sighs. « I know. I had to make a deal with Azraël to go back to my old life. They said I couldn’t mention a word of what happened to anybody, and that I still had to fulfill my duties. I’m so sorry, Shane. » He sniffs. « I wanted to tell you so badly. You deserved to know. »

« What changed? » Shane whispers.

Ryan is almost grinning through his tears. « You saw me kill that demon. There’s no way I could have gone on pretending everything was normal after that. » He chuckles. « To be honest, I wanted you to witness it. »

He sniffs and retrieves his hand from Shane’s grasp to wipe at his tears. Shane wants to do it for him, but his eyes are also wet so he rubs at them instead. He stands up and lets out a sigh.

« This is… a lot. » He says. 

Ryan is immediately up too, searching his eyes. « I know. I’m so sorry, man. » He bites his lower lip, looking down. « Look, I— If you want to be alone, or something, I… I completely understand. »

He looks like he doesn’t want him to do so, but there’s something increasingly close to panic rising in Shane’s lungs and he cannot stay here. He looks outside the window, and even if it’s still raining, he suddenly desperately needs to be outside. « I, uh, I think I do. »

Ryan nods, avoiding his gaze. « Yeah, sure, okay. »

Shane turns to exit the room and Ryan follows him. He opens the door of the apartment and as he’s about to get out, he feels his friend tug on his sleeve.

« Hey, » Ryan says, « We’re still— We’re okay, right? »

Shane feels something looming over him, maybe it’s the certainty that he’s going to cry once he’s alone, or the inevitable crumbling of all his previous beliefs all around him, but the look on Ryan’s face is so hopeful that Shane finds it in himself to smile at him, even though it feels very wrong. He raises his hand and lightly brushes his knuckles against Ryan’s cheek. Ryan takes his hand, turns his head towards it and presses a soft kiss there. It’s over in a minute, but it makes Shane’s chest swell up, and he can feel his smile widening.

« Of course. » He answers.

Ryan is almost tearing up again. He nods once and lets go of Shane.

Shane steps out into the rain, and it feels cold but refreshing. His apartment is a bit far away from Ryan’s place, but he decides to walk home. The night falling around him and the smell of rain on the concrete is almost soothing.

As he walks back to his place, the first thought that hits him is that his happiness was short-lived. He got Ryan back, but fuck, at what cost? Every time he closes his eyes, he sees two glowing red eyes staring at him, and the screech that the demon had let out as he died was the most horrific noise Shane had ever heard. He flinches as he remembers the face the demon had made just before lunging at Ryan.

Now, he’s glad and fucking relieved that his friend is safe. There was a moment in the mansion when he thought they would never make it out of it alive. But it doesn’t matter now, because Ryan still died, after all. It feels pretty surreal to finally have proof of it, now that he’s back and that Shane knows that it’s really him, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. 

Ryan was murdered by a demon. Stabbed in the stomach, and left to bleed out. He winces. That’s the most fucked up thing he ever heard, and his life has been a series of fucked up occurrences lately. 

The demons, the angel, Ryan’s resurrection. Admitting he was wrong isn’t hurting Shane’s pride, it’s hurting him because it means that Ryan’s pain and death were genuine. Ryan did tell him the day before that his beliefs would change soon. That he would see irrefutable proof and would want to change sides. Ryan went to his death to ensure it. He almost laughs. How could Shane not feel guilty, then?

The image of Ryan’s corpse is coming back to him, and he wants to scream in frustration. He’s never going to forget about it, he’s probably going to keep dreaming about it like he has the past few days, and it’s going to drive him mad. His ignorance was torturing him, but now he knows the truth and he feels exactly the same.

But then, he’s reminded of what also happened last night, before the demon had appeared and threw any hope of Shane ever sleeping in a haunted place again out the window. He thinks of their kiss, of how Ryan had looked so _happy_ after Shane had confessed his feelings, and how his friend’s mouth moving against his had felt so fucking fantastic. He thinks of how in this point of time, nothing else had mattered, not their fucked-up lives, not Ryan’s death, not Shane’s anger, nothing. He feels ache in his chest, and he realizes that even though he left Ryan’s place less than half an hour ago, he already misses him. Leaving him earlier suddenly seems like the dumbest thing he’s ever done. 

He turns back and starts to run, but he only lasts a few feet because the rain is completely fogging his vision, and the wind is against him anyway. He feels cold settle all around him, and rain get through every single layer of clothes he’s wearing, but he knows it won’t last. Soon, he will be with Ryan again, warm, joyful, and lively Ryan.

The walk back feels upsettingly long, and by the time Shane’s back in front of Ryan’s door, his heart is hammering against his chest. He knocks and the younger man immediately opens his door. 

As soon as he sees him, Shane thinks it was all worth it.

Ryan looks at him, completely drenched from head to toe, puts his free hand around Shane’s arm and ushers him inside before closing the door behind him.

Standing in the hallway, Shane starts to shiver. 

« Shit, you’re completely soaked. » Ryan says, considering Shane with a concerned look on his face. He leaves to go to the bathroom and comes back with a towel. Shane is still frozen in his spot, shivering.

There’s a fond smile on Ryan’s face when he approaches him. « Don’t stay here, you dumbass. Come to the living room. And give me your jacket, it needs to dry. »

He helps Shane take it off and pushes him in the direction of the living room. The apartment is so warm that Shane exhales in relief. He’s still cold but at least now he can only hear the rain thumping on the windows and not feel it everywhere on his skin. 

Ryan approaches him and lifts his arms to Shane’s head to rub his hair with the towel. He has to lean down a little. Ryan’s touch isn’t gentle but it’s warming Shane all over and he completely relishes in how intimate the moment feels. He cannot resist putting his arms around his friend’s waist. Ryan lets him.

« Shit, your clothes are dripping everywhere, man. » Ryan says, laughing.

« Sorry. » Shane whispers.

After a moment, Ryan puts the towel away. Shane is still clinging to him.

« You feeling better? » Ryan is searching Shane’s eyes.

But Shane is feeling so vulnerable he doesn’t dare to look at him in the eyes for now. Instead, he choses to close them, and he brings Ryan closer against him, lifting him up so that his head is resting on his shoulder. Ryan’s arms immediately encircles his neck while his legs come around the taller man’s waist. Fucking finally, Shane thinks.

« Shane, » Ryan whispers against his skin, his lips almost brushing the point where neck and shoulder meet. Shane just tightens his hold on him. « Are you sure you’re okay? » 

He lets out a shaky exhale. « I’m in love with my dead best friend. » 

He can feel Ryan’s fingers caressing the nape of his neck. He’s sure he’s covered with goosebumps.

« I was. But I’m not anymore. » Shane has never heard Ryan speak so softly. Like he knows the truth can hurt Shane and he needs to be as careful with him as he can be.

He can feel his arms start to tremble. Ryan might be the smaller of the two but he’s much more muscular than his friend. Shane doesn’t want their embrace to end yet.

« Fuck, you’re heavy, » he blurts out, and he can feel Ryan wheezing.

« Means I’m real, right? » Ryan answers, before pressing the lightest kiss on Shane’s neck, just below his ear. And yes, he’s real, and Shane starts shaking harder at the touch. His need to be the closest possible to Ryan is so raw and poignant he feels light-headed. He slowly lowers his friend to the floor while he’s regaining his balance. 

Hands still on each other, their eyes meet for a second. Shane wants to lose himself in Ryan’s gaze.

« You look so tired, » Ryan finally says, « We should go to sleep. »

Shane feels disappointed. He doesn’t want this moment to end, ever. He feels drunk on Ryan’s touch. But at the same time, his eyes are beginning to tickle and he feels tired down to his bones. It’s a bit ridiculous, he thinks, It’s barely nine p.m.

He slowly nods. « Okay, » he says, freeing himself from Ryan’s embrace and turning around to settle on the couch. Ryan’s hand on his arm holds him back.

« You’re not sleeping in the living room. » He takes Shane’s hand in his own and drags him to the bedroom. Shane says nothing but there’s fireworks exploding in his head at the thought of holding Ryan again, this time in the comfort of a bed.

Ryan closes the door behind them.

« I’ll lend you a T-shirt, yours is completely soaked. Here. » He tosses one to Shane. « You can change here, I don’t mind. »

Shane gets out of his flannel and the cold air against his wet skin is making him shiver. He quickly puts Ryan’s shirt on and it feels clean and fresh and it’s also way too small, but it’s somehow perfect because it smells like a mix of laundry and Ryan’s scent. He sits on the bed to remove his shoes when he feels fabric landing on his head. He turns around and Ryan is grinning at him.

« Sweatpants. I know you hate sleeping in jeans. »

He answers with a small smile. « Thanks. »

Ryan goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and Shane quickly puts the sweats on because he’s still feeling a little bit self-conscious about Ryan seeing him change pants. He climbs into the bed under the covers and immediately groans in content.

Ryan lets out a small laugh as he enters the room again, shutting the light. « It’s that good, uh? »

Shane closes his eyes but he’s smiling. « I love your bed. It’s what I love most about you. »

« Well, I feel offended. » Ryan huffs, getting under the covers next to his friend.

« You should have gotten a less comfortable one. This way maybe I would like you for your humor or your good looks. »

At this, Ryan erupts in laughter and Shane opens his eyes to look at him. He’s aware he has a stupidly fond smile plastered on his face but he doesn’t care. Ryan turns to look at him.

« I’m so glad you’re here, » he says. His eyes are so bright they are shining in the darkness. He shifts in the bed so that he’s closer to Shane. « Are you feeling better? »

Shane honestly doesn’t know. He feels like he shouldn’t, because it has been such a strange and tiring day, but when Ryan is looking at him with such a gentle expression on his face, all he feels is pure bliss.

« I do. »

Ryan smiles and he sits up on his elbows. Shane wants what happened in the haunted house last night to happen again. He wants Ryan to cover his body with his own, he wants to feel Ryan kiss him, he wants to feel his hands on his face, on his chest, everywhere on his body. So he does exactly what he did last night, hoping it will trigger it.

« I love you, » he says, searching Ryan’s eyes in the dark.

He can see his friend’s smile widening. « You’re so smitten. » Ryan laughs, and he’s shaking his head.

« Sue me. » Shane answers.

Ryan leans down until his lips are hovering above Shane’s. « I love you too, by the way. » He finally closes the space between them.

Shane can hear himself almost whimpering into Ryan’s mouth, but honestly he couldn’t care less. Not when he can feel Ryan’s hands nuzzling his waist and his hips rolling into his. He’s too tired for this so he lets Ryan kiss him while he lazily responds, but he’s so glad he’s going to wake up in Ryan’s arms tomorrow, light and refreshed, and then they’ll be able to start all over again without sleep tugging at them.

Ryan breaks the kiss after a few minutes and starts peppering light kisses all around Shane’s mouth. He raises his head and looks at Shane, such a soft look on his face that the taller man’s feels something drop in his stomach.

He needs to distract himself from this. 

« Hey, » he croaks, then clears his throat, « I still have questions. »

Ryan eyebrows shoot up. « You do? Shoot. »

Shit, he didn’t think that far ahead. « Uhhhhh, » he mentally curses himself for wanting to go back to discussing not so pleasant things when Ryan’s mouth on his less than a minute ago had felt like heaven. « So… The demon in the Thornton house. What happened to him? »

Ryan is smirking from ear to ear. « I killed him, of course. » Shane revels in how delightful this is to hear. He was wrong, this is great. « Went back as soon as I had my body back. The fucker begged me forever to let him live, then tried to kill me again when I said no. This is going to sound so grim but watching him die was probably the most satisfying moment of my life. »

Shane grins. « Wish I could have seen it. »

« Honestly, me too. » Ryan says. « I’m probably never going to get over being able to kill demons. It’s like, this thing I was so fucking terrified of before, and I know they cannot hurt me anymore. It’s so incredible, Shane. »

Shane lifts a tentative hand to Ryan’s cheek. He feels incredibly happy, too. « So… you’re an angel now, right? »

Ryan shrugs. « I guess so. Don’t have the wings, though. »

Shane laughs. « Good. Would have been kind of awkward otherwise. Can you believe just… going to work? » Ryan starts wheezing. « Shit, guess Ryan is super into cosplay, now. »

Ryan falls back against the bed, laughing. Shane is laughing too but he goes quiet. He’s remembering a time when he thought he would never hear Ryan’s laugh again.

« It’s fitting, though. » Shane says.

« What is? »

« You. Being an angel. » As soon as the words are out of his mouth Shane regrets them because he sounds so fucking corny, but. He means it. Ryan just laughs at him, but Shane can tell he’s pleased.

« Man, what happened to you? Who are you and what have you done to Shane? »

In the dark, Shane can see Ryan’s eyes shining brightly. He’s tearing up from laughing too much.

« I had dreams about you, » Shane whispers and then frowns. « where you kept telling me really annoying riddles. »

Ryan looks at him eyes wide before rubbing his eyes. « Oh yeah, I forgot about those. I did that. »

Shane sits up on his elbows. « You did?! What the fuck, Ryan? »

Ryan sighs. « Yeah… It’s another thing I can do now. » He glances at Shane, looking unsure. « Shit, man, I— I hope you’re not mad at me. You didn’t seem to like them a lot. I wanted to comfort you and… ease you back to the thought of me coming back. » He bites his lip. « You okay, dude? »

Shane is pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut. Somehow, those disturbingly enigmatic dreams make much more sense, now. He’s trying to come around all the new things that Ryan can do, now. All the ways in which he’s changed. It’s a lot. « Yeah, man, just, » he sighs and lets his hand fall back on his side. « It was… unsettling, to say the least. »

« Didn’t work too well, right? »

« No shit, » Shane chuckles, « it has to be the weirdest thing anybody has ever done for me while also claiming to be helping me. »

Ryan punches him lightly in the arm. « Shut up, man. I was trying to give you closure! »

« Mustn’t have been easy. It’s like you were trying to help me mourn while also hinting at the fact you were coming back, and I’m sorry Ryan, but… That’s impossible. But, hey, kudos for trying! »

Ryan is looking at him fondly, a huge smile on his face. « I’d like to see you try. »

Shane falls back against the bed. « No. I know my limits and this is way out of my league. »

Ryan shakes his head. « Jesus. »

Shane notices the leather thread around Ryan’s neck, the one he knows has a small stone at the end of it. « And what about this? » He asks, tugging on the necklace.

Ryan reaches for it under his T-shirt and pulls it out. « This? Azraël gave it to me. It’s like… a demon radar, kind of. » 

Shane laughs. « Demon radar? What the fuck, Ryan. »

Ryan glances at him and starts laughing too. « Yeah, yeah, I know. » He frowns. « I don’t really need it though. But I think it helps in killing them, too. »

« It burned me pretty hard. »

Ryan winces. « Sorry about that, man. »

« It’s okay. Wow, you’re like Van Helsing, now. »

Ryan grins. « Does that turn you on? »

Shane dramatically sighs. « To be frank, Ryan, the only thing turning me on right now is this bed. » He says. Ryan wheezes.

They fall into comfortable silence, and after only a few seconds Shane can feel his eyelids start to close on their own. Ryan’s entire body is pressed against his side, and for a moment he entertains the thought of pulling his friend closer to him so that he can fall asleep with his breath ghosting against his skin. Feel his heartbeat against his own. He doesn’t have time to move before Ryan speaks again.

« Let’s sleep, man. You really look exhausted. »

Shane blinks a few times. « You can read minds too, now? »

« What— No! » Ryan laughs. « Seriously man, you look like you’re about to pass out. It’s been a long day. »

Shane hums and extends an arm, gesturing for Ryan to come closer.

« Come here. »

Ryan shuffles closer to him and buries himself against his chest. He exhales in relief. Shane only has time to put a kiss in Ryan’s hair before he falls asleep.

-

Shane wakes up, and realizes he didn’t dream that night. He feels content and a smile is creeping its way on his lips.

He starts to stretch, and then realizes that Ryan is completely plastered to his side. Shane can feel him exhale against his skin, right next to his collarbone, and it tickles a bit. Shane can’t wait to kiss him again.

He remembers he didn’t brush his teeth last night, and if he wants to kiss Ryan in bed, he’s going to need to get to that first. He slowly extricate himself from Ryan’s grasp, and he quietly walks out of the room.

They both left their bags in the entrance last night, he gets his and retrieves his toothbrush from it.

In the bathroom, he looks at himself in the mirror and thinks he looks terrible, but still better than he did the last few days. He has a bit more color in his cheeks, and the skin around his eyes is looking less purple. He smiles at himself, and jumps when Ryan opens the door behind him.

He blinks up at Shane, looking sleepy. « Hey big guy, what are you up to? » He asks.

Shane is feeling adoration bubbling up in his chest. He shrugs. « Hey. Just… brushing my teeth. You? » 

Ryan smiles. « About to try to bring you back to bed, » he reaches for his toothbrush on the sink, « just after I brush my teeth too. »

Shane spits in the sink and washes his mouth before letting Ryan move in front of him. He didn’t notice it last night but Ryan’s shirt is really tight, and as he moves his arm the muscles on his back shift and Shane finds himself helplessly staring, mouth dry. He puts his index on Ryan’s neck and starts delicately tracing his shoulder with it. Ryan turns around, mouth still full of toothpaste. 

« Can’t you wait till I’m finished? Geez, » he laughs and a little toothpaste comes out of his mouth. « Oh, shit! »

He spits in the sink while Shane wheezes next to him. Ryan looks at him sternly, lips still covered in white.

« What you laughing at, noodle boy? Go back to bed! »

« Alright, alright, » he lifts his arms in surrender and exits the room, still laughing. He goes back to the bedroom and flops on the bed. He buries his face in the pillows and the smell of Ryan lingering on them is intoxicating. He can hear Ryan entering the room.

« You wanna sleep again? »

Shane turns around to Ryan sitting on the edge of the bed. « Hell no. » He answers, grabbing Ryan’s arm and pulling him down to lie next to him. 

Ryan chuckles. « Oh, ok. »

Ryan gets under the covers. Shane notices that he looks pale, and also a little strained.

« Hey, you okay? »

Ryan rubs his eyes. « Yeah, just— I’ve been having a lot of nightmares, recently. »

« Really? »

« Yeah… You know. » He lets his arms fall on the bed. « Reliving death and whatnot. »

Shane frowns. « You said it didn’t hurt. »

Ryan grimaces and bites his lower lip. « I just— It was bullshit, of course it did, I’m just… Not ready to talk about it, I think. »

Shane feels a wave of protectiveness wash over him and he shuffles closer to Ryan, until their shoulders are touching. « Sorry. That was insensitive of me. »

« It’s alright. »

Shane sighs, shaking his head. « I’ve been such a dick to you, lately. Honestly, I— It’s terrible of me but I had no idea you were going through all this. »

He turns his head to look at Ryan. He’s smiling but it looks sad. « It’s not your fault. At all. You couldn’t know, and… I know it must have been really hard for you too. »

Shane turns on his side so that he’s facing Ryan, but it still doesn’t feel close enough. Ryan is staring at the ceiling, brow slightly furrowed.

« I still can’t believe you’re really back. » Shane whispers.

Ryan glances at him quickly, a shy smile on his lips. « Me neither, actually. » He purses his lips. « So much has changed. I feel different. » He says, quieter.

Shane sits up on one elbow, almost leaning over Ryan. « In what way? » He asks.

Ryan’s eyes flicker. He looks deep in thought. « It’s like… losing yourself, and then becoming whole again and knowing you’ll never be the same. And not in a ‘I just went to Disneyland for the first time’ kinda way. » He breathes in deeply. « More like in a … ‘I know what death feels like’ kinda way. »

Shane reaches out to him and squeezes his hand.

« Sometimes I just feel… all patched up, you know. Like all the parts of me are here, but… They haven’t really been put back exactly where they should be. »

Shane runs his thumb on Ryan’s hand, in the crook where thumb and index finger meet. Ryan closes his eyes and seems to relax. Seeing him so peaceful is making Shane’s breath catch in his chest.

« Actually, » Ryan says, eyes still closed, « it feels really good to talk about it. »

« Really? »

Ryan opens his eyes, tilts his head and smiles up at him. « Yeah. I honestly don’t know how I could have gone on without telling you. It was bound to drive me crazy one day. »

Shane chuckles. « Shit, Ry. I knew you were bad at keeping secrets, but I didn’t think it included your own. That’s like… a whole other level. »

Ryan wheezes. « Shut up, Shane. Don’t act like you’re not glad I told you. »

Shane fakes a gasp. « I would never! »

Ryan is laughing and it makes the bed shake. They fall silent. Ryan’s eyes lock with his and there’s something almost pleading in them. Shane is suddenly overcome with the want to cover him with his body, to hide him from the world and keep him here, in the safety of his own embrace.

He moves under the covers so that he’s covering him entirely, trapping Ryan between his arms. He hears Ryan’s breathes shortening from under him. He leans down slowly to kiss him. It feels tender and soft just like before, but there’s the promise of more clinging to it. Ryan parts his lips slightly and their tongues touch and it’s electrifying.

« Hey, » Ryan says when they break the kiss, looking completely dazed, « Do you wanna… Do stuff? » He’s smiling but he looks almost shy.

Shane laughs. « Maybe. But first, » He leans down again. « I’m going to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed. »

He knows Ryan is going to tease him later for all the cheesy stuff that’s been coming out of his mouth lately, but when Shane can feel him ruining the kiss by smiling against his lips, he finds he doesn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you thought of the whole thing!!
> 
> and again thank you so so so much for reading and putting up with whatever this was, i love you all

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! hope you liked it!


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